Tight Fist Tip #24: Ditch the Fancy Hotels

After The Party It's The Hotel Lobby

Welcome to the first of what will be a (non-successive) series of articles on traveling. To get things kicked off, I'm going to start with the most painfully stupid waste of money while traveling: the hotel. Sure you need a roof over your head, but the prices people pay to stay in these soulless boxes make me want to cry.

I understand that for many out there, you just assume that a hotel is part of the cost of traveling. For the uninitiated, it can be difficult to figure out when a hotel is really worth it, or if you are just being duped by the shininess of the lobby. So therefore, I'm going to prepare the 'Is Your Hotel A Waste of Money?' checklist. When you are evaluating a hotel, go through the following questionnaire, scoring one point for each time your hotel fails.

1. Is your hotel officially called a hotel?If so, get the hell out of there. Almost all the time, the word 'hotel' is just a code-name for 'you are getting ripped off'. While it varies a bit country by country, the words 'hostel', 'motel', 'train station', etc generally mean a place is a better deal. But what justifies the hotel to charge such outrageous prices? Well, first of all, they tend to offer the following useless features.

Still Missing The Free Conditioner?

2. Does your hotel offer the following perks (one point for each): wake-up call, mini-soaps, daily cleaning? Are you some type of luddite that does not own a watch or cellphone? Do you find it impossible to remember basic toiletries when you travel? Are you used to your personal maid cleaning your house every day? If so, then by all means pay $50 extra dollars a night for a fancy hotel. But for normal people, these bells and whistles are just another excuse to part with your hard-earned money.
3. Do you have your own bathroom attached to your room? What, did you fail kindergarten? Did you grow up in some mansion where each person had their own bathroom? Are you really too lazy to walk three minutes down the hallway to use the bathroom? Having a private bathroom is possibly the most baffling excuse that hotel owners use to drive up prices, and that it works boils my blood.
4. Are you the only one in the room? I know there are some people out there who just hate others, but you really need to get over it. Anyone who is traveling alone needs to find a hostel with shared rooms, because booking your own room in a hotel is akin to burning money. If you're traveling in a group, you can re-create this effect by packing a ton of people in a room. For ultimate savings, I recommend the classic 'sneak 10 people into a double room' approach.
5. Is there a chandelier in the lobby? This was a trick question. Dock yourself two points if your hotel even has a lobby.

Sorry Hon, You're Going to Need More Than That

Now, let's count up your points:
0: Score! Way to travel like a Tight Fist.
1-2: Not bad, but you really need to steal like 12 of those mini-soaps to make up for it.
3-5: Steal all the mini-soaps and towels you want, you're not going to recoup your investment. You'd better grab the chandelier from the lobby.
6+: Either you are on a corporate expense account, or far too rich to be reading this blog.

All this is pretty standard money-saving advice, but what really irks me about hotels is that a lot of the time, the more you pay the crappier your experience will be. At a quirky hostel you're likely not only to meet interesting people, but get friendly service, free breakfast, free wifi, etc. But fancy hotels are about the most sterile places on earth- completely devoid of personality. And also, the more you pay for your room the more likely you are going to have to pay ridiculous amounts for other services like internet, breakfast, etc. Who the hell would agree to that?

But the real Tight Fist score while traveling is to avoid the hotel charge completely and find a couch to crash on. Just make sure to reciprocate by opening up your living room as well- being Tight Fisted doesn't mean you get to be a jerk.

Tight Fist Tip #23: Don't Drink Gatorade

It's Got What Athletes Crave!

Man, this world is a totally screwed up place. You'd think that millions of years of evolution would have attuned our bodies to be able to replenish themselves using readily available, natural means. But unfortunately that's not the case; in fact it wasn't until 1965 that scientists at the University of Florida finally cracked the secret to thirst quenching. Evolution really missed the boat on this one! You see, for millennia humans had been foolishly drinking water to quench their thirst, and they had totally neglected the necessity of 'electrolytes', and therefore were consistently slow and weak. The addition of electrolytes to drinks caused the Florida Gators to win the Orange Bowl, and gave mankind the energy and endurance to land on the moon, invent the supercomputer, and organize the world's largest coconut orchestra.

Yes folks, the above is all true, at least according to the marketing departments of sports drinks such as Gatorade, Powerade, and the barely-fit-for-human-consumption UK equivalent, Lucozade. These guys have seriously talented Madison Avenue wizards, as they have somehow managed to convince legions of people that if you try to play sports without consuming fluorescent salt water, you will not only lose the race but will unquestionably shrivel up and die.

Let's just stop for a second and take a look at what the heck 'electrolytes' really are. It's no secret really- listed on the back of every Gatorade it tells you that Gatorade contains sodium, potassium, and chloride. So, here's the first lesson for those of you who failed high school chemistry: TWO OUT OF THE THREE FREAKING ELECTROLYTES ARE JUST SALT. As for potassium, it's not really some kind of evasive nutrient either- bananas are full of them. So just to be clear: Gatorade is just water with sugar, salt, potassium, and yummy yummy artificial coloring.

And now, we interrupt this serious message to bring you some electrolyte-related humor, courtesy of the classic movie 'Idiocracy'. If you haven't seen this movie, go rent it now. (And sorry for the poor quality. It was the best I could find.)

If you fail to see the relevance of this video to the Gatorade argument, you fail.

So, how did humankind manage to build pyramids and outrun tigers without any sports drinks? Well, those clever people just ate food, and this food magically contained all the nutrients they needed. And when they were thirsty, they somehow managed with good old electrolyte-free water. Amazing, isn't it? So next time you're working out, save yourself a buck and grab a handful of pretzels and a banana instead of some glowing ooze. Your body and your wallet will thank you.

Tight Fist Tip #22: Useless Kitchen Supplies

Are They Drinking Wine From Non-Wine Glasses?
Holy Crap, Call The Cops!

As our 'Stop Buying Crap You Don't Need' series has already paid a visit to your closet floor (Tip #2) and the bathroom (Tip #16), you had to know that your kitchen couldn't be too far behind. If you walk into most kitchens (at least those of people who actually cook), they will be filled with drawers and shelves just full of random crap. Now, the owner of this crap will certainly assure you that each gadget has its special purpose, and without it certain specific tasks would be inexplicably difficult. "But how am I supposed to cut my hard boiled egg without an egg slicer? And How could I possibly peel my banana without a banana peeler? And if I didn't have my 76.8g pancake flipper, then I would never be able to flip pancakes that weighed 76.8 grams!" And so forth.

I could list about a million useless kitchen items, but I'll just focus on a few that I have recently encountered.

Electric Can Opener - Oh, the joys of elecrification! To think that back in the stone age people had to expend precious calories turning the knob on manual can openers. Fools!

The Mysterious Lemon Juicer: What, You Just Jam It In?

Lemon Juicer - Of all the useless appliances, this one is the most baffling. At least most of this crap at least does a decent job of doing whatever it was designed to do. But the lemon juicer, I don't even have a clue what to do with. Do I just jam it into the lemon and start twisting? That just seems ridiculous. I'll stick with a fork, thank you very much.

Honey Dipper - Yes, the rumors are true. If you ever try to serve honey with a spoon, as opposed to a certified honey dipper, the honey will revolt and attack you in the face.

Salad Tongs - You see, salad tongs are just like big spoons but flatter. The reason is that if you dared to use two normal big spoons to serve salad, you would never get to eat anything because all the salad would be lost in the bottomless crevice of the spoon.

A ridiculous selection of glasses: Believe it or not, one glass can be used to hold juice, water, or even wine! In fact, if a glass can hold one liquid, it can hold anything! In-freaking-credible!

This Is What Happens When You Introduce Gentiles To Jewish Food

A ridiculous selection of knives: A staple of every kitchen is a big knife rack. But here's a clue: all knives are are just sharp pieces of metal, and sharp pieces of metal cut things. I'll give you one flat and one serrated, but that's it.

Bagel Slicer: When untrained gentiles discovered the deliciousness that is a bagel, they were drastically unprepared for the ever-so-slightly elevated risk of cutting their hands when cutting a bagel as opposed to cutting anything else. So they turned to an age-old solution to all their problems: Buy Useless Crap! Any Jew who owns a bagel slicer should be especially ashamed.

Man, I feel like I'm just getting started- there are so many easy targets! But I think you get the point. And one note: I know many of you are going to use the excuse that the useless crap was just a gift, so it is not really your fault. This is never a valid excuse because by accepting gifts (and most likely reciprocating, unless you are a total jerk) you are participating in the gift culture that generates mountains and mountains of useless crap. But I'll get more into terribleness that is gift exchanging sometime in the future.

Tight Fist Tip #21: Avoid The Soda Upsell

I Love Overpriced High Fructose Corn Syrup Water!

While the ultimate liquid sin still has to be purchasing bottled water, drinking coke and other carbonated beverages can't come too far behind. Sure we know a Coca-Cola habit is going to keep you poor, but with the added bonus of making you a fat drug addict with rotten teeth, how could you resist?

But ok, soda (and other sugared beverages) are just one of many unhealthy, unnecessary products that you could waste your money on. So why pick on them specifically?

Well, the really disgusting thing about soda is how it is so ridiulously cheap to produce, and therefore such an incredible profit driver for restaurants. Now, as an economist I have been trained that trying to assess a product's value by looking at its production cost is silly and meaningless, but I'm going to do it anyway. Let's take a look at how selling a fountain soda works out for a fast food place. They have a machine that takes water, carbon dioxide, and syrup and turns it into soda. Water is virtually free, a single CO2 tank is cheap and lasts weeks, so what about that secret-formula Coca Cola syrup? Well according to a recent book reported on by Newsweek, basically nothing! (Ok, it is $.000052 per coke.) And sold at $1.50, who could resist such a bargain? While I know there are probably some distribution costs, etc, the raw fact of that matter is that the input cost of a soda for a restaurant is basically zero.

There are some other great anecdotes at this guy's blog, but the main point is that selling sodas are the main profit driver at many restaurants. My favorite quote, which I totally agree with: "McDonalds is the most elaborate Coca Cola sales operation on the planet, and exists pretty much to sell coke." (Taken from an obviously-reliable poster called 'TheBlueberryPirate')

But as sick as this situation is, it actually creates amazing opportunities for Tight Fists everywhere. Since sodas are such an amazing profit driver for fast food restaurants, they frequently offer steep discounts on food in the hope that this will get customers in the door to buy Cokes. Yes, the 99 cent menus and Sub of the Days are basically Coke promotions, and potentially are loss-making in themselves. But of course, you would have to be A TOTAL MORON to fall for this trick. The Tight Fisters are smart enough to see through the old bait and switch, and instead drink crisp, cool, free water.

So next time you go into McDonald's, order two 99 cent double cheeseburgers and a water. Then sit back and imagine the CEO trashing his office out of rage since you saw through his evil plan. The Tight Fist wins again!

Tight Fist Tip #20: Don't Buy Diamonds

Bling Bling!

Let’s say that an evil, gigantic corporation decided one day to buy up all the supplies and sources of a relatively pretty and relatively uncommon rock such as turquoise. Now that they had cornered the market for turquoise, they could sell it for any price they felt like, as long as they could find buyers. But while we all know that idiots love to shell out tons of cash for shiny, useless things, they certainly weren’t going to pay hundreds of dollars for a tiny grain of turquoise. So what is an evil corporation to do?

Hey, here’s an idea- what if they launch a sophisticated decades-long marketing campaign exploiting the most sensitive of human emotions: love. If they could somehow just convince people that buying turquoise was the only way to find true love, then people would pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars for the opportunity!

Oh that’s impossible, you say! People are way too savvy to be tricked by the relentless marketing of a gigantic company! If you really think that, I certainly hope that you have been living in a cave your entire life, because otherwise I would be tempted to call you an ignorant moron. Don't forget that there are millions of idiots out there just desperate to waste their money, and they are thrilled when society gives them an excuse to do so.

Sweetheart, I have some bad news: He doesn't really love you

Still unconvinced? Well, for the especially slow members of the audience, this is of course more or less the story of how DeBeers has manipulated the diamond industry for decades. Let’s just get straight about one fact: there is absolutely nothing special about diamonds or other ‘rare’ gems. Sure, diamonds are pretty hard but last time I checked most people don’t try cutting through steel with their engagement rings. Diamonds are only expensive because diamond cartels restrict supply while somehow convincing wives to be everywhere that their suitor is not serious unless they fork out three months’ paycheck on a rock.

Let me guess: you think that people (brides to be included) just want pretty jewlery, and fancy gems are the only way they can be really, really incredibly good-looking? Wait, have you been living in a cave as well? Because here in the real world you have to be a professional jeweler with fancy magnifying glasses and years of training to tell the difference between real gems and fake ones. And why do jewelers need fancy magnifying glasses and years of training to real gems and cheap knock-offs? BECAUSE THEY FREAKING LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!

This is especially clear in the case of synthetic diamonds. Relatively recently, labs became able to produce synthetic diamonds that are chemically equivalent to real ones. Jewelers had no way to tell the difference between mined and synthetic diamonds, and DeBeers began to freak out. So DeBeers invented a machine that they give away to jewelers that can tell the two apart. See, the problem is that synthetic diamonds are too perfect, and their complete lack of imperfections gives them away. So of course DeBeers was able to convince jewelers that these weren't 'real' diamonds and therefore don't express 'real' love, so the 'real' ones still have a price premium. Ugh.

But let's be honest: not many men out there, especially if love has made them loopy in the head, are going to risk screwing up their engagement just to make a point. But I'm convinced we don't have to stand for it; I'll tackle this subject in The Tight Fist Engagement Proposal, coming out shortly.

Tight Fist Tip #19: Get Free Haircuts

How Bad Could it Be?

Unless you want to end up like Cousin Itt from the Addam's Family, you're going to need to get your hair cut every now and then. But although haircuts are one of those things that should be really simple (ie, inexpensive), for some reason people have become convinced that this is something they can justify paying tons and tons of money for. And that's not to mention the incredible sexism inherent in the hair industry. Why exactly do womens' cuts usually usually have a base price of double the amount of mens' cuts?

Let's break down some easy steps you can take to cut down on your haircut costs.

I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit.

1. Don't Pay for Haircuts. If you needed to find a doctor to perform open heart surgery, or maybe a lawyer to reduce your life sentence, you'd probably want to ensure that you found a real professional. But last time I checked, cutting with scissors was standard curriculum for kindergartners. I'm not saying that cutting hair doesn't require skills, but it's not exactly rocket science, and the consequences of a slight mishap are pretty low. Odds are you know someone in your social circle who knows how to cut hair, and you would be a fool not to take advantage of this. Buy them a beer, get a haircut, and be happy.

2. Get your hair cut as infrequently as possible. The problem here is that most people make a crucial mistake: they try to get their hair cut to exactly the length that they like best. THIS IS COMPLETELY MORONIC, because it means that seconds after you leave the place, your hair is now too long, and will just continue to get longer and look worse and worse. Instead, the key is to get it cut way shorter than you like it. Then, as time goes on it approaches its desired length, and then goes over. Not to get too nerdy on all of you in the audience, but if we make the simple assumption of symmetry of utility over hair length, getting your hair cut to the shortest length you can possibly tolerate will allow you to get half the amount of haircuts, with the same level of satisfaction.

Super Savers!

Also, stop being such a freaking priss and just learn to deal with cutting your hair short and letting it grow long. Who do you think you are, Jack Donaghy?

3. Keep it Simple. If you're looking for that ever-so-hot Marge Simpson do, Aunt Bertha may not be able to pull that one off for you on the cheap. But if you avoid the temptation to create some ridiculous and unnatural hairstyle, you are saving yourself a ton of hassle. For instance, the simple buzz cut removes any need to pay for haircuts once you get your own razor. And if that's a bit too dramatic for the ladies in the audience, just feel free to let your hair grow and you can have a friend give it a little snip when it gets too long.

If you are thinking that following these tips will prevent you from being really, really incredibly good-looking, get over your yourself. Your vanity will ruin you.

Tight Fist Tip #18: Use Sales and Promotions, But With Caution

But Honey, It Was On Sale!

I know that some of you out there get all hot and bothered at the sight of a sale sign, but these situations are no time to be rash. We Jews know to be skeptical of sales, as we know that even big discounts won't make overpriced, useless crap even vaguely desirable. But since the credit card loving masses out there can have trouble distinguishing a gimmick from a really good deal, let met try to break down a few simple rules.

In order to illustrate when it is justified to partake in a promotion, I've prepared the following mock scenarios for us to analyze.

Q: Crate and Barrel has an amazing honey dipper on sale for 80% off- should you buy it?

A: If you have spent years and years trying to figure out how to transfer honey from the jar to your food, you are obviously too moronic to be making shopping decisions in the first place. For the rest of us, it should be painfully obvious that this is a product that has no right to exist and therefore should not be bought no matter what the price. The moral of the story is that the ultimate Tight Fist rule 'Do Not Buy Crap That You Don't Need' trumps everything. Plus, what the hell are you doing at Crate and Barrel anyway? You should be ashamed of yourself!

Q: You need a new pair of jeans (which of course must mean that you have no other wearable pants, as otherwise the above rule would apply). The Prada store has an incredible 50% off sale on some super-swanky jeans. Deal or No Deal?

Sale on Shin Ramen?

A: Give me a break. Let's solve this with some simple mathematics: 1 Stupidly Expensive Piece of Crap x Some Discount = Still 1 Stupidly Overpriced Piece of Crap. Plus, you would get laughed at behind your back for having stupidly expensive jeans, and you'd have to go out of your way to work into the conversation how you got them for such a great deal, making you look like a complete douche.

Q: Your girlfriend is getting impatient because you haven't gone on a real 'date' for a few weeks. You notice that some new restaurant has a 2-for-1 midweek meals promotion. Can you swing it?

A: You Bet! The best way to make use of discounts is when you were going to have to buy something anyway, and just make use of a sweet discount to dampen the pain. And if you're worried about your date judging you for taking her out on a discount, DUMP THAT BITCH. If she can't appreciate a good deal, she will only cause you pain.

On an aside, this situation reminds me of a lesson learned by my ultimate Tight Fist inspiration, my grandfather Harry. Whenever the family used to come into town to come visit him, he would promise to take us out one night to a restaurant. Immediately, he would bust out his giant 'Entertainment' coupon booklet, which was full of restaurant deals, and we were allowed to pick a restaurant based on the selection of where he had the best coupons. What a legend.

Tight Fist Tip #17: Fancy Wine Is Still Just Fermented Grapes

Prickly, with a Subtle Aftertaste of Unicorn

There are tons of examples where companies use clever branding to convince customers that their crappy product is some type of luxury good; this is helpful so that rich idiots can find something to waste all their money on. Some examples are when Toyota puts some leather seats in its Camry and calls it a Lexus, or when Tesco labels fruit 'Finest' just because it is ripe. In general, however, producers don't invent an entire new vocabulary and train an army of 'experts' in order to brainwash the populace spending ridiculous amounts of money.

But the fermented grape industry is special. Normally, if you were trying to distinguish between the taste of two different things, you would use normal descriptions like sweet, bitter, salty, etc. But for connoisseurs of fermented grapes, this isn't good enough, because if you were to use normal, reasonable, understandable descriptive characteristics you would come to a horrifying conclusion: fermented grapes all taste pretty similar. Noooooo!!!!!!! But then how can they convince rich idiots to spend hundreds of dollars on 50-year old fermented grapes? Well, that's easy enough. You just have to invent a whole new ridiculous vocabulary to describe your fermented grapes, brainwash a few people into thinking that they taste all these crazy things, and then dismiss all the doubters as unsophisticated.

For some examples of this crazy vocabulary take a look at fermented grape guru Robert Parker's wine glossary. Pretty soon you'll be saying things like, "I love my fermented grapes flabby, silky, and chewy. Or actually, today I would prefer one that is round, plummy, and somehow smells like tobacco." Is this guy serious? (Note that sadly, that was a rhetorical question.) I used to think that when someone said fermented grapes had hints of rasberry (or some other non-grape fruit) that they had actually put some other fruit in the fermented grapes. But no, that would make too much sense. Instead this is just drunk fermented-grape tasters imagining that grapes had somehow mutated into other fruits when no one was looking.

For more along the lines of this discussion, I ecourage you to consult the excellent article On Wine Bullshit from the Journal of Wine Economics. Of particular interest is the part where they write a computer program to generate fermented grape reviews using common terms, and compare them to real reviews. (As expected, they are pretty much indistinguishable.)

I'm not saying there aren't subtle differences between different types of fermented grapes from different locations, year, etc, I'm just saying that these subtle differences DO NOT MAKE A LICK OF DIFFERENCE IN YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THE FERMENTED GRAPES. Sure, there are some cheap fermented grapes that make you grimace or give terrible headaches, and feel free to avoid them. But other then that, it's pretty much impossible to make an objective judgment of quality. Of course the fermented grape industry would love to convince you that their expensive fermentations have special qualities that are somehow better than other ones.

Perfection in a Bottle

But if you're set on getting brainwashed into thinking certain types of fermented grapes are better than others, please do it the right way. Just do your best to convince yourself that the common qualities of cheap ones are distinctive, unique, and special. For instance, I have convinced myself that the perfect blend of fermented grapes is none other than the delicious Two Buck Chuck. I mean, it just doesn't get much better than that in my book.

But in case Two Buck Chuck doesn't exist in your area, let me try to introduce my own simplified system for judging fermented grapes.

1. Alcohol Content. Do the fermented grapes contain alcohol? If not, you are drinking grape juice. Go back to the store look in the booze aisle.

2. Taste. Does taking a sip of the fermented grapes make you grimace? Does it sorta make you want to wretch? If not, it tastes fine.

3. Price. Did you pay more then five bucks for the bottle? If so, you lose.

See, isn't that a lot easier?

And just in case you need more inspiration, check out this hilarious New York Times article which talks about how a panel of 'experts' was assembled to figure out whether or not South African fermented grapes tasted like 'burnt rubber' just because some 'expert' said it did.

Tight Fist Tip #16: Cut Down On Bathroom Supplies

Bathroom or Chemistry Lab?

(This is part 2 in the 'Stop Buying Crap You Don't Need' series.)

A great strategy by marketers is to somehow convince the general population that some crap they invented should now be considered a necessity of modern life, as opposed to some sort of vain luxury. And there is possibly no sphere where this strategy has been more successful than in your bathroom, which is routinely stocked with tons of basically useless (or at least unnecessary) products that you simply buy out of habit.

As far as I'm concerned, you need three items in your bathroom: toothpaste, toothbrush, and a bar of soap. (If you're the shaving type I guess you can have a razor, but being hairy is cheaper.) Here is a list of other things you may find in a bathroom that are are serving no other purpose than enabling a Proctor and Gamble executive to buy a second yacht:

1. Shampoo. Newsflash: It's just liquid soap, in a different bottle. Try washing your hair with normal soap- it will still be clean.

2. Conditioner. According to various commercials conditioner is supposed to suddenly make you look like a supermodel and make everyone around you want to make out with you. I've tried this stuff before, and no hot chicks have ever tried to make out with me as a result. As far as I can tell, it does nothing.

3. Face Wash. Have you ever seen one of those commercials where some ditzy chick looks into the camera and says something like "Would you use the same soap on your face as blah blah blah?" Well ditzy chick, yes, as last I checked my face is made of skin, just like my whole body. True story: once when I was a teenager I asked a dermatologist about acne and told him I was using a Clearasil Facewash. He just laughed at me and told me to wash my face with soap.

Save the Shaving Cream for More Important Tasks

4. Lotion. Last time I checked, our skin produces oils that keep it at the proper level of moisturization. I'm convinced that lotion users are kind of like crack addicts. If you had never used lotion, you wouldn't think that normal skin was bad at all. But once you started using lotion, you start thinking that your skin is all dry and just need more and more and MORE! (A note to my fellow burn survivors: If you got skin grafts, which kills your pores, you get an exemption.)

And just in case you think I'm picking on the ladies,

5. Shaving Cream. Go ahead, try shaving with just soap and water. Miraculously, it still works.

6. After Shave. This is the supreme leader of useless bathroom crap. While supposedly a disinfectant, you can just wash your face instead. Or just do nothing. Note that, similar to conditioner, aftershave will not cause hot chicks to start making out with you.

Ok, he gets an exemption

7. Deodorant. Do you stink? Well, if so maybe this is ok. But a lot of people just use deodorant unscrupulously- you may as well try cutting it out and see if you start losing friends.

8. Hair Gel. Newsflash: Dudes, hair gel just makes you look like a douchebag.

And finally, can I remind everyone in the audience that you should never buy bathroom products that are advertised as containing food products. Since when is it suddenly cool to spread food all over your body? For instance, while writing this post I saw an advertisement for some hair crap with 'apricot and avocado micro-oils'. Apricot and Avodaco? Isn't that going to attract a pack of locusts or something? I'm pretty sure that apricot and avodcado are the type of thing you want to keep out of your hair, as oppposed to lather into it! And what the hell is a micro-oil? A small oil?

By the way, you can get three bars of soap for like a dollar.

Tight Fist Tip #15: Surviving Restaurants

He Won't Be Smiling When He Sees The Bill

As any good Tight Fister knows, it is imperative to avoid restaurants at all costs; especially those high class establishments with crazy bells and whistles like 'table service'. But unfortunately, we all sometimes find ourselves in an unavoidable restaurant situation. For instance, say you are out of food and your local grocery store has been firebombed by Martians, or you have been kidnapped by mentally unstable Zagat-huggers. Or maybe you're just vainly (stupidly) trying to impress some spendy member of the opposite sex.

But fear not, The Tight Fist is here to help you through this difficult situation with my step-by-step restaurant survival guide.

1. Ordering drinks. The first thing that fancy waiter-having restaurants will do is ask you what you want to drink. There is only one answer: TAP WATER. This sounds easy, but waiters love to be sneaky and bring bottled water if you don't specifically insist on tap. If you were hoping to get drunk but arrive at the restaurant sober, you've already screwed up, so don't even bother ordering booze. (See Tip #3 for more details.) And if you are ever at a restaurant where they won't give you tap water, MAKE A SCENE AND WALK OUT! That crap is unacceptable.

2. Appetizers. Right, as if the food wasn't expensive enough, you want to add an extra seven bucks to the bill on some tiny plate that won't even dent your appetite. What, are you made of money? Instead, just eat...

3. Bread. This is the one savior of Tight Fisters everywhere. Make sure you go to restaurants that serve decent bread, and fill up! And don't be embarrassed to ask for an extra basket, even if some snooty waiter gives you a dirty look. As a side note, if you live in one of those terrible countries (Austria, for instance), where they have the gall to put bread on your table then FREAKING CHARGE YOU FOR EVERY PIECE YOU EAT, this is completely out of line. I would recommend a revolution.

You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see the food!

4. The main course. As this is the only thing you will spend money on, you need to think carefully. Since you now know how to cook, it would of course be absolutely moronic to order anything you could cook at home. Instead, you may as well use the opportunity to order something that would be impossible (or at least extremely difficult) to make a home. For instance, the dumbest thing to order in a restaurant is a steak, as it is easy as hell to cook at home. (Step 1: Put in Hot Pan. Step 2: Flip. Step 3: Eat.) If the Tight Fisters ever took over the world, we would immediately bankrupt all steak houses. Instead, order things that need to be cooked in crazy contraptions (tandoori oven, deep fryer, etc), are freaking frustrating to make (pie), or require crazy ingredients (kangaroo burger?)

Another thing to consider is that some food items have economies of scale, ie the food is difficult to make, but can be made in really big batches. Since it may not make sense for you to do this at home, it is justifiable to order it at a restaurant. For instance, things like lasagna or gumbo are good bets in this category.

5. Dessert. What, you want to be fat AND poor?

6. Paying the Bill. Date a Tight Fister and go Dutch!

Now that wasn't so bad after all, eh?

Tight Fist Tip #14: Don't Buy New Furniture

Cheap Young Antique!
(Young Human Not Included)

There's a lot of overpriced crap out there, but the furniture prices are really in a league of their own. For instance, a couch is basically a few beams of wood, some springs, and a few cushions, yet can sell for thousands of dollars. I mean, what the hell? But even I am not hard-core enough to advise ditching furniture altogether and start sitting on the floor, so what is one to do?

Well let's start with a simple rule: DO NOT EVER BUY NEW FURNITURE. You see, the most annoying thing about furniture is that it is hard as hell to move around, and this is what creates an opening for Tight Fisters. Since moving furniture is difficult and people are incomprehensibly lazy, there is always tons of awesome, cheap furniture around as long as you can go pick it up! Just check out Craigslist, Gumtree, or whatever, and you can stock up. Only people who hate their money buy new furniture.

IKEA makes me feel so manly

But what about amazing big-box furniture stores like IKEA? Aren't they perfect for the budget-conscious? I mean, the prices are supposed to be like, totally amazing! Well here's some advice: JUST BECAUSE YOU PUT IT TOGETHER YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS CHEAP! Instead, you just got ripped off AND lost a day of your life trying to fit round pegs into square holes. I mean, IKEA wouldn't look like a good deal if other places weren't off-the-charts expensive. Being happy with saving money at IKEA is like being thrilled that you scored with the skinniest girl at fat camp.

Finally, let's address the complaint: But won't old, used furniture be crappy and just fall apart? I'd say that all you need is an attitude adjustment, which can be produced with some Madison Avenue wizardy. Next time you are at a garage sale, remember that all pieces of furniture there are simply 'Young Antiques'. As much as snooty morons like paying big bucks for new furniture, they simply love paying insane prices for really, really, old furniture. So really, by buying Young Antiques you're totally outclassing those IKEA losers.

Take that, snooty Swedes.

Tight Fist Tip #13: Beware Needless French Translation

Bar House?

Normally, if you are in the US or some other English-speaking country, you expect most text you encounter to be in English, even if it is talking about some foreign item. For instance, if you go shopping for furniture at Swedish IKEA (which by the way, The Tightfist does not approve), you expect to find signs for beds, shelves, and tables, not sängar, bokhyllor, and tabeller. And if I go to a Greek restaurant for some chicken, I expect to find 'Chicken' on the menu, not freaking κοτόπουλο. I know that this doesn't hold in some immigrant neighborhoods for valid reasons, but that's beside the point.

However, walk around any fancy neighborhood and you are likely to be bombarded with strange, completely unnecessary French translations of all kinds of things. We all know how much the French are obsessed with their own language to the point where they feel other tongues are equivalent to monkeys screeching, but that is not what is going on here. It's not like swarms of wealthy Parisians have invaded all the wealthy enclaves of America to set up their 'bistros' and 'boulangeries'.

No, instead sneaky business owners have discovered some subconscious element of the Anglophone brain that associates hearing French with a rampant desire to throw all of their money away. But come on people, JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS TRANSLATED INTO FRENCH DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD PAY MORE FOR IT. In fact, when you see random French words completely unnecessarily thrust onto a store name or menu iteam, you should be extremely suspicious.

Maître D' Takin' Yo Money

Now, I don't speak a lick of French so I'm not in a great position to give examples. But fortunately, my fellow Tight Fister Jake Cooper (who posts as 'Jake' on this blog) has offered to help with some friendly translation. Here we go:

1. In English, "a la carte" means "I hope you already ate, 'cause this ain't coming with any sides or anything." So there's really no reason to bother with a translation, but I will, just because it's so mind-boggling. "A" means "on." And "la carte" means "the menu." Dead serious.

2. Hors d'oeuvres means appetizer, but you have to pay extra for the spell-check.

3. Maitre D isn't even sensical. It means "master of." Master of WHAT?

4. When you see "aubergine" and think it's some exotic French counterpart to the eggplant, you're half right. It is French. It means "eggplant."

5. Soup du jour? Why is this in a conspicuously different language than the rest of the menu, did it get lost? And why is it $6.95 for a cup of friggin' soup? No shit it's soup of the day!

Thanks Coop.

Tight Fist Tip #12: Stop Being a Drug Addict

Beware Dangerous Junkies!

If you have just read the title of this article and are now looking doubtfully at your primed syringe of heroin, I'm not sure I can be of much use at this point. Maybe some of my hard-core drug user fans were using this blog as a way to save pennies toward the next fix, but I think you guys are missing the point.

Instead, let's focus on caffeine. Coffee drinkers of the world, man up and face the facts: YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT. And if you are reading this blog, YOU ARE NOT RICH ENOUGH TO BE A DRUG ADDICT. In today's society it is only socially acceptable to be a drug addict if you are a stock broker, rock star, or prep school trust fund baby. (Also, you have to be white.)

Thank The Addicts for Free Bathrooms Around the Globe

And if you are the type who pops into Starbucks or Costa every day to get your drug fix, you are failing at life. Only a complete moron would a) get addicted to drugs and then b) choose the most expensive way possible to consume such drug. While I'm sure that the highly trained 17-year-old 'Master Barista' at your local Starbucks is really good at pressing buttons on the coffee machine, something tells me you could figure that crap out at home. Man, these cafes have really got it figured out. If only I could find some addictive but socially acceptable drug to peddle on every street corner that would be sweet. (Any ideas? These dudes already stole my best one.)

And really, if you were going to be a drug addict couldn't you pick something more fun than caffeine anyway? I mean, I know some people love to be all jittery and awake, but if I was paying four bucks a cup I would expect at least a bit of euphoria.

Finally, if you are a nicotine addict don't think you are off the hook. I just thought picking on you would be too easy, like challenging a paraplegic to one-on-one.

Tight Fist Tip #11: Don't Shop at Stores That Sell Only One Kind of Thing

Double Score!

Let's imagine that you stink and therefore need some soap. But where to buy such an item? First reaction: Oh, I remember there is this soap store at the mall- I'll bet I could get my soap there! Yes you could, as long as you are cool with trading a day's salary for something that any sane human being should mistake for an appetizer. ("I'll start with the avocado-cocoa-honey creme bar.")

Flagrant False Advertising, and Terrible Prices

But no Tight Fisters, that would be falling for a terrible con, as it is almost always a terrible idea to buy things at shops that only sell one type of thing. In fact, the more different types of things that a store sells, the cheaper is probably is. For instance, let's continue with the soap example. Maybe further down in the mall there is a 'Bed, Bath, and Beyond'. That sounds promising, as 'Beyond' seems to indicate a wide variety of goods, but upon further thought you should realize that this just serves as an excuse to pack a store with items that are so ridiculously useless that they are 'Beyond' categorization. (Oooh, wooden birds for only $200!) You then might consider a drug store, which in the US is a pretty good idea as they have a pretty wide range. But the real Tight Fister will skip all of these options and head for the ultimate smorgasbord: The 99 Cent Store. Yes, these glorious shops have just about everything under the sun, and are a Tight Fister's best friend.

Note that there are some exceptions to this rule, the first and foremost among them being the irrational continued existence of department stores. While department stores offer pretty much the same crap as say, Target or Wal-Mart, they for some reason think they can get away with charging shockingly terrible prices. The only excuse to enter such places is to grab a free sample of perfume/cologne before a hot date.

But why is the one store in the world that promises to 'sell everything' so expensive? The reason is that Harrod's is not really a store. You should think of it as a special safari where you can watch a much richer but far less intelligent human-like species grazing in their natural habitat. And entry is free! Now there's a deal.

Homo-CreditCardicus in Their Natural Habitat

Tight Fist Tip #10: Learn to Cook

A Valiant Effort

STOP! Move slowly away from the restaurant. And don't even think about ordering in Chinese. This is your bank account, begging on its knees to stop paying exorbitant prices for meals, which everyone knows you could make yourself if you could just once miss your precious half hour of Wheel of Fortune. First step: call mom and have her give you a lesson in operating your long-neglected stove. (Hint: You just turn the freaking knob.)

Here's a fun game that should make you feel guilty every time you go into a restaurant. When you order, try to estimate how much it would have cost for the ingredients at the grocery store. Then hang your head in shame. And cry.

Don't Worry, I Like it Well Done

And let's be clear about something: If you try to cheat by 'cooking' using prepared foods, your wallet will find out. Here in England, the locals have become so inundated with ready-meals (think TV dinners, not frozen but just as devoid of flavor) that they think they deserve some kind of Betty Crocker award when they pour a bottle of fluorescent sauce over grilled chicken and it vaguely reminds them of something they once had at some ethnic restaurant. Yum! Not only is all that crap disgusting and terrible for you, but it is also ridiculously priced.

Let's take a look at some common excuses of why you don't cook, and reveal how incredibly lame they are:

1. "I don't have the time." Oh, will it cut into your precious American Idol time? Or maybe you were going to spend those 30 minutes honing the maximum wit into your new Facebook status? I do apologize.

2. "I'm too tired after a long day." Oh yeah, surfing the internet in your cubicle all day sure is taxing. Careful with that spatula: you wouldn't want to pull a muscle.

3. "I can't cook." Oh, why won't someone put together some really easy idiot-proof instructions on how to make my favorite foods. If only someone could compile exactly how much of each ingredient to use in a dish and then give step-by-step instructions on what to do with them! And if only they could post a billion of these 'recipes' for free on the internet! Sigh... (Note, please do not let me catch you buying a cookbook.)

Still unconvinced? Worried that even Fido will scoff at the dishes that come out of your oven? Fortunately, The Tight Fist is going to make things super-easy for you. I have developed some fool-proof cooking techniques that are easy, quick, cheap, and super-delicious.

So stay tuned for The Tight Fist Cooking Guide, coming out shortly.

Tight Fist Tip #9: Don't Drink Bottled Water

The Picture of a Mountain Makes it Taste Amazing!

Coca-Cola Boardroom, Mid-90s:

Some dude in a ridiculous suit: Bottled water is so hot right now. But damn those Frenchies and their crisp, clear Alps water. How can we compete with that?
Some guy with a toupe: Hey, how do consumers know that Evain comes from some amazing river that must be unlike anything we have in the US? We all know it tastes the same as normal refrigerated water. And lord knows they don't read the bottle; most people can barely read anyway!
SDRS: Oooh, I know! It's the picture of the mountain! Let's just put tap water in a bottle with a picture of a mountain and people will love it!
SGWT: We are so smart I can barely stand it!

And there goes the story about how Coca-cola and Pepsico managed to take something that is free, put it in a fancy bottle with a fancy name (Dasani, Aquafina), and make a bazillion dollars selling it to idiots. To a true Tight Fister, there is nothing worse than buying bottled water; doing so should make you feel simply sinful and unclean. But for those of you who didn't get the memo, here we go:

Memo: STOP BUYING WATER. IT IS FREE. Thanks.

Buying bottled water is so mind-bendingly idiotic that I have very little extra to say about it. (Note that if you live in a country without drinkable tap water, you are exempt from this rule.)

If you or anyone else you know still insists on paying for free things please introduce them to me. I have some very excellent bagged air on sale.

Tight Fist Tip #8: Get a Bicycle

The Tight Fist Express!

I rode the Tube yesterday for the first time in a while, and boy was it a shock. (For those of you non-worldly types out there, the tube is London's subway system.) It's really a pleasure to watch a few trains go by that are so packed that you can't even get on, only to finally get lucky enough to join the sardine tin yourself. I couldn't stop thinking: "I actually paid for this?"

Moooooo!!!!!!!

That's right, each morning thousands of commuters gladly plunk down a few bucks for the privilege of packing themselves into hot, packed, trains/buses, vainly trying to turn a couple pages of that crappy novel they've been working on for eight months. This is a clearly lose-lose situation: not only are you making your life miserable, but you are paying through the nose for it.

The solution is obvious: GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND ONTO A BIKE. I rarely recommend buying things on this site, but a bike is a no-brainer investment. For instance, a monthly Zone 1-2 tube pass costs about 100 pounds. With a half a year's savings, you could buy yourself a really sweet bike! Plus, Mr. Flabby Legs, you know you could use the free exercise.

Sunglasses + Spandex = SUPER-AERODYNAMIC!

Wait, that was just a test. There is no way I would suggest spending 600 pounds on anything. Just like any valued partner, your expensive new bike will only break your heart in the end when she is stolen away from you. Instead, hit up your local market or used stuff website (Craigslist, Gumtree, etc) and pick yourself up something on the cheap.

And now, to deal with your complaints:

1.But I live too far away! No, you are just too lazy.

2.Won't it take forever? Yes, but only because excessive laziness has turned your legs into jelly drumsticks. Get on the bike, and they may eventually approach a solid state. In London at least, it is pretty rare to find a route that is actually quicker by public transport than by bike.

3.But won't I be all hot and sweaty at work? Your work/school has a shower. Stop being prissy and use it.

4.Does this mean I get to go shopping for new accessories? Give me a break. Although some over-zealous commuters missed the memo, bicycles do not require spandex suits to function properly.

Tight Fisters, free yourselves from the shackles of public transport and you will never look back. Until then, enjoy the Tube strike!

Tight Fist Tip #7: You Don't Need Designer Crap to Get Laid

Hey Sexy, Nice Broakleys!

I could (and maybe will) write a million blog posts on how buying fancy designer products (especially clothes, etc.) is a gigantic waste of money. Hopefully it's not too difficult to convince people that spending $200 on Gucci Jeans or a Prada Handbag or whatever is not such an intelligent financial decision. But still the weak among us will go again and again to the fancy boutiques, and blow their hard-earned paychecks on some logo.

Economists would call this behavior conspicuous consumption- buying expensive stuff just to show other people how rich and awesome you are. Logically, any true Tight Fister should find this laughable and ridiculous. But the truth of the matter is that those Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses stem from a more primal emotion: Everybody's trying to get them some. (Or alternatively, trying to find a loving, long-term partner. Not to promote gender sterotypes here, but feel free to read between the lines.)

But here is where the Tight Fisters smile smugly, because they know the truth: BLOWING ALL YOUR CASH ON FLASHY CRAP WILL NOT GET YOU LAID!

Peas in a Pod

Well, let me qualify that a little bit for you. Wearing some snazzy sunglasses and carrying around one of those garish Louis Vutton handbags may earn you points with some members of the opposite sex. But it will send any sane member of the opposite sex running! So you've attracted some terrible, airheaded, money-loving prospects, but have scared away any fellow Tight Fisters out there! And you've blown a bunch of cash. That's messed up.

Think dudes, is it really worth wasting your money to attract the ditzy, gold-digging chicks of the world while scaring away anyone with substance? Just think what would happen if you accidentally got tricked into dating one of these girls! You'd be poor and miserable within weeks!

And ladies, do you really want to start a relationship knowing that he only went for you because of that form-fitting dress and those heels that make you want to cry? For how many dates can you keep it up? You'd better start saving for that boob job now.

Ahhh, True Love at Last

I can just hear the counter-arguments flowing in: 'But I just like the way designer clothes make me look, it's not about getting laid' OR 'Dude, designer clothes totally get me laid' combined with 'I can afford it so why not?' So let me ask you, can you really afford it? Are you so wealthy that spending five hundred bucks on an outfit doesn't even make you blink? Well if so, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING ON MY BLOG? Get the hell out of here, and go have fun with your rich, vapid, consumerist lifestyle.

Tight Fisters, it's time to drop the charade. Buying and flashing designer crap is not going to help your sex life, and it will only make you miserable in the long run. Stay strong, and hook up with a local Tight Fister in your neighborhood. It will be the best decision you ever made.

It's not every day that you can learn how to save money and salvage your dating life in one post, so savor this while you can.

Tight Fist Tip #6: Avoid Designer Sunglasses

All The Hottest Stylez!

Certainly, being duped by clever branding causes an inordinate amount of stupid spending. But it can be really hard to figure out whether a certain brand is worth it or not. The problem is, we just don't know enough about the quality of various goods, so buying a well-known brand may be a way to ensure you are getting quality. (Note that the Tight Fist is extremely skeptical of this argument, but I will concede that in certain cases it is possible.) Since this is a somewhat difficult situation, I'm going to focus on one not-so-subtle clue that should help you decide whether buying some brand is worth it.

I am in Love With The Rear-View Mirror

Here's a good rule of thumb: If you can buy an exact replica of your brand's product from some Senegalese dude on the streets of any major European city, THEN YOUR BRAND IS TOTALLY WORTHLESS!!!

The most obvious example of this tip-off comes from sunglasses, though this logic also works wonders for watches and handbags. Buying expensive sunglasses is a seriously unforgivable offense, as THEY ARE JUST A STRIP OF FREAKING PLASTIC. It is unfathomable why people will drop hundreds of dollars on a little strip of plastic to put in front of their eyes that will remove the world of color while most likely making you look like a total prick. 'Woah, you can't see my eyes! I could totally be looking anywhere and you wouldn't even know! I am SO edgy and dangerous! Urge to look at self in the mirror...rising...'

Also, the only difference between designer sunglasses and far cheaper alternatives is some little cheesy plastic logo on the side. That's right, you just dropped a hundred bucks on one square centimeter on plastic. Congratulations.

But look, even if you really wanted nice, flashy, designer sunglasses, why on earth would you buy the real ones when you would need to be a forensic scientist to distinguish real ones from the fake? Fortunately Tight Fisters, I do understand the faulty logic that leads one to such terrible decisions, and I am here to help you root it out. But since it is a complicated subject, you will have to wait until tomorrow for the next post.

Tight Fist Tip #5: Don't Buy Expensive Sandwiches

At around 12:30 each workday, the predator begins to stalk. The prey: unsuspecting office workers, simply looking for a quick yet delicious bite to eat. They mill about like lemmings. 'I just feel some thing simple today something like a...' AND THEN HE POUNCES!!!! The Seven Dollar Sandwich.

Like a frog in slowly warming water, the poor lunch-breakers of the world have been taken unaware by this once-innocent lunch staple. And who could blame them? A sandwich was once a reliable choice: a couple pices of bread with some meat, cheese, and maybe some veggies in between. It was a staple that you could order quickly and cheaply, without much thought.

But the sandwich makers were sneaky, and began to take advantage. Their trick (similar to those described in the last post) was to deviously change the names of all the standard sandwich ingredients in order to cause mass confusion, panic, and uncontrollable purges of cash. For instance, instead of good old 'Bread' you now have vaguely foreign-sounding options like Ciabatta, Foccacia, or Lavash. And where we used to have reliable lettuce, we now have to choose between chard, romaine, or even sexy options like rocket. Ooooh! Rocket!

[On a side note, I was recently informed by a friend in San Francisco that some sandwiches there cost $15! I am trying to remove this piece of information from my memory because merely considering the fact that people out there are spending $15 on sandwiches is making me a little bit woozy.]

So what are you supposed to do if this is the going rate for sandwiches in your area? Well believe it or not, you don't have to be Gordon Ramsay to reverse engineer your favorite sanwiches. Just in case you're confused, here is a step-by-step guide:

1. Put a bunch of stuff you like on some bread.
2. Put more bread on top.
3. There is no step 3. That's it. Want me to go over it again?

Hungry People: RUN AWAY!!

And finally, I know my fellow Londoners are going to point out there here we don't really have the equivalent of a seven-dollar sandwich. So are all the Pret and Eat drones out here off the hook? Absolutely not. The reason that the local sandwiches here are cheaper is because in America you don't need a microscope to find the sandwich filling. In order to derive the same amount of sustenance out of a Pret sandwich as a Seven Dollar Sandwich back home, you would have to buy three of them and combine all the fillings between two pieces of bread.

You know what, I have better things to do with my time. At least in the US there is no assembly required.