The Tight Fist Engagement Proposal

This Big Ring Means He'll Never Leave Me!

As mentioned in the previous post, Tight Fisted men who are hoping to get engaged are in a bit of a conundrum. While they know that dropping a bazillion dollars on a shiny rock is completely idiotic, they know that their fiance-to-be has been brainwashed into thinking that serious proposals must come with a fancy ring.

Let's take a second to drive home the seriousness of the brainwashing drivel that gets pounded into young girls' heads from the moment they hold their first doll wedding. I present a quote from Jef Van Royen, a senior scientist at the Diamond High Council, the official representative of the diamond industry in Belgium. He says "If people really love each other, then they give each other the real stone. It is not a symbol of eternal love if it is something that was created last week." So, that pretty much sums it up- love is officially only valid if it comes wrapped in a huge, extravagant purchase. And I mean, if you can't trust the Diamond High Council, who can you trust?

So what can the poor tight-fisted lovers do? Well, there are two straightforward solutions. If The Tight Fist had his way all the men in the world would sign a pact refusing to ever marry any girl who requested a diamond ring, which would jolt a bit of reason into a generation of females. Unfortunately, I fear that this would probably be unsustainable, as I have witnessed the most reasonable men among us break down when it comes to engagement. Even easier would be for the Tight Fisted men to just find a sensible girl who doesn't care about having a bank-breaking ring. But of course, this is easier said than done, since even if the girl has nice intentions she will still be subjected to years of catty whispering about how she has the cheap husband who wouldn't even shell out for the real ring. And finding a girl who is ok with that is pretty tough.

Those are the sensible solutions. But since the sensible solutions won't work, I'm going to propose an economist's solution instead (because of course those always work.)

OMG! I Didn't Know He Loved You 5 Carats!

In order to come up with better solution we need to analyze the psychology that drives couples towards stupidly expensive gems. First of all, the man wants to show that he is serious and committed about the whole marriage thing, and sends a signal by wasting a ton of money. (In economics, we would call this signaling by ‘money burning’.) Second, the woman needs to be able to re-transmit this signal so that she can show to all her catty friends that her fiance loves her carats and carats above their stupid boyfriends. I'm going to work under the assumption that these two elements are crucial, non-negotiable facets of engagement in our society.

Since the money burning signal is a central part of the equation, it is inevitable the the man is going to have to spend some money. But he certainly does not have to hand over this money to greedy, evil DeBeers. Instead, what if he gave it to his fiance's favorite charity, and the amount of money he gave was coded onto the ring? For instance, let's say there was a standard that each carat of cubic zirconium (or maybe some more specific subset of fake diamonds) equaled a $1,000 donation to charity. Then, the size of the ring would still demonstrate how deep was the man's love, and this signal would still be easy to show off to all the wife's catty girlfriends.

How could this be implemented? Well first there would have to be a selection of a certain type of beautiful-yet-cheap gem that would be generally recognized as being tied to donations. Next, charities could provide special certificates for engagement donations that could provide 'proof' of the donation. Reputable jewelers would need to see this certificate before they produced a ring with the special stone. While there would be some scope for cheating, there is no reason to think it would be more widespread under this system than in the current one. (A sneaky husband can always try to pass off a fake diamond as a real one, but I would guess this is rare.)

And what if the bride-to-be doesn't have a favorite charity? Well, then the husband could always just donate to the default option: The Tight Fist Foundation, a truly angelic organization committed to ending the scourge of money wasting.

In the end, however, such a scheme will only work if women sign up for it and let their potential fiances know that they expect a 'Modern Engagement'. Are there women out there courageous enough to be trendsetters? Ladies, who's on board?

Tight Fist Tip #20: Don't Buy Diamonds

Bling Bling!

Let’s say that an evil, gigantic corporation decided one day to buy up all the supplies and sources of a relatively pretty and relatively uncommon rock such as turquoise. Now that they had cornered the market for turquoise, they could sell it for any price they felt like, as long as they could find buyers. But while we all know that idiots love to shell out tons of cash for shiny, useless things, they certainly weren’t going to pay hundreds of dollars for a tiny grain of turquoise. So what is an evil corporation to do?

Hey, here’s an idea- what if they launch a sophisticated decades-long marketing campaign exploiting the most sensitive of human emotions: love. If they could somehow just convince people that buying turquoise was the only way to find true love, then people would pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars for the opportunity!

Oh that’s impossible, you say! People are way too savvy to be tricked by the relentless marketing of a gigantic company! If you really think that, I certainly hope that you have been living in a cave your entire life, because otherwise I would be tempted to call you an ignorant moron. Don't forget that there are millions of idiots out there just desperate to waste their money, and they are thrilled when society gives them an excuse to do so.

Sweetheart, I have some bad news: He doesn't really love you

Still unconvinced? Well, for the especially slow members of the audience, this is of course more or less the story of how DeBeers has manipulated the diamond industry for decades. Let’s just get straight about one fact: there is absolutely nothing special about diamonds or other ‘rare’ gems. Sure, diamonds are pretty hard but last time I checked most people don’t try cutting through steel with their engagement rings. Diamonds are only expensive because diamond cartels restrict supply while somehow convincing wives to be everywhere that their suitor is not serious unless they fork out three months’ paycheck on a rock.

Let me guess: you think that people (brides to be included) just want pretty jewlery, and fancy gems are the only way they can be really, really incredibly good-looking? Wait, have you been living in a cave as well? Because here in the real world you have to be a professional jeweler with fancy magnifying glasses and years of training to tell the difference between real gems and fake ones. And why do jewelers need fancy magnifying glasses and years of training to real gems and cheap knock-offs? BECAUSE THEY FREAKING LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!

This is especially clear in the case of synthetic diamonds. Relatively recently, labs became able to produce synthetic diamonds that are chemically equivalent to real ones. Jewelers had no way to tell the difference between mined and synthetic diamonds, and DeBeers began to freak out. So DeBeers invented a machine that they give away to jewelers that can tell the two apart. See, the problem is that synthetic diamonds are too perfect, and their complete lack of imperfections gives them away. So of course DeBeers was able to convince jewelers that these weren't 'real' diamonds and therefore don't express 'real' love, so the 'real' ones still have a price premium. Ugh.

But let's be honest: not many men out there, especially if love has made them loopy in the head, are going to risk screwing up their engagement just to make a point. But I'm convinced we don't have to stand for it; I'll tackle this subject in The Tight Fist Engagement Proposal, coming out shortly.

Tight Fist Tip #7: You Don't Need Designer Crap to Get Laid

Hey Sexy, Nice Broakleys!

I could (and maybe will) write a million blog posts on how buying fancy designer products (especially clothes, etc.) is a gigantic waste of money. Hopefully it's not too difficult to convince people that spending $200 on Gucci Jeans or a Prada Handbag or whatever is not such an intelligent financial decision. But still the weak among us will go again and again to the fancy boutiques, and blow their hard-earned paychecks on some logo.

Economists would call this behavior conspicuous consumption- buying expensive stuff just to show other people how rich and awesome you are. Logically, any true Tight Fister should find this laughable and ridiculous. But the truth of the matter is that those Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses stem from a more primal emotion: Everybody's trying to get them some. (Or alternatively, trying to find a loving, long-term partner. Not to promote gender sterotypes here, but feel free to read between the lines.)

But here is where the Tight Fisters smile smugly, because they know the truth: BLOWING ALL YOUR CASH ON FLASHY CRAP WILL NOT GET YOU LAID!

Peas in a Pod

Well, let me qualify that a little bit for you. Wearing some snazzy sunglasses and carrying around one of those garish Louis Vutton handbags may earn you points with some members of the opposite sex. But it will send any sane member of the opposite sex running! So you've attracted some terrible, airheaded, money-loving prospects, but have scared away any fellow Tight Fisters out there! And you've blown a bunch of cash. That's messed up.

Think dudes, is it really worth wasting your money to attract the ditzy, gold-digging chicks of the world while scaring away anyone with substance? Just think what would happen if you accidentally got tricked into dating one of these girls! You'd be poor and miserable within weeks!

And ladies, do you really want to start a relationship knowing that he only went for you because of that form-fitting dress and those heels that make you want to cry? For how many dates can you keep it up? You'd better start saving for that boob job now.

Ahhh, True Love at Last

I can just hear the counter-arguments flowing in: 'But I just like the way designer clothes make me look, it's not about getting laid' OR 'Dude, designer clothes totally get me laid' combined with 'I can afford it so why not?' So let me ask you, can you really afford it? Are you so wealthy that spending five hundred bucks on an outfit doesn't even make you blink? Well if so, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING ON MY BLOG? Get the hell out of here, and go have fun with your rich, vapid, consumerist lifestyle.

Tight Fisters, it's time to drop the charade. Buying and flashing designer crap is not going to help your sex life, and it will only make you miserable in the long run. Stay strong, and hook up with a local Tight Fister in your neighborhood. It will be the best decision you ever made.

It's not every day that you can learn how to save money and salvage your dating life in one post, so savor this while you can.

Tight Fist Tip #1: Get Rid of That Gym Membership

One thing that mystified we Jews for years is the modern obsession with the gym. I mean, it has always been a mystery to me why people think it is a good idea to cough up a ton of cash to go to these dimly-lit, terrible-smelling hellholes.

Now let’s not be confused: I’m certainly not suggesting that you should give up exercise. No, Mr. Potbelly and Mrs. Thunderthighs, I do not have some magic recipe for getting you laid without getting in shape. But seriously, anyone with an ounce of common sense should realize that gyms are totally useless; as it is insanely easy to exercise for free, spending money so you can exercise is completely unjustifiable. And please don’t get me started on all of you who take elevators, stand on escalators, take taxis for four blocks, etc before going to the gym. IF I EVER AGAIN SEE SOMEONE TAKE AN ELEVATOR/ESCALATOR TO GET TO A STAIRMASTER AGAIN I AM GOING TO BLOW A GASKET!

Still confused? Well, let’s take some of the more popular gym activities in order to deconstruct them further.

1. Treadmill: You have got to be kidding me. With 148.847x10^6 km^2 of the earth’s surface to explore, there is no excuse.

2. The Stairmaster: I am willing to bet that you have stairs in your house, in your office, and probably in numerous other places you go all the time. If you want to get a stair workout, run up some real goddamn stairs. AND STOP TAKING ELEVATORS/ESCALATORS, YOU LAZY ASS!

3. That elliptical thing: This machine is designed as an excuse for chicks to wear hotpants and gyrate for hours, which I can only assume that the users of these machines want to do all the time but it is generally not socially acceptable. This gizmo provides absolutely no level of exercise.



No Exercise in Sight
4. Weights: That’s right, you just spent $50 per month for access to large pieces of metal to lift above your head. Bravo. Believe it or not, there are heavy objects all over the place that you can move about for free, if that's what really floats your boat. You can probably find some of them in your very own house. Milk Gallons? Chairs? Rocks? The list goes on and on. And if that is too difficult, how about lifting your own flabby self and do a push-up? Amazingly, this 'vintage' exercise method is still effective.

5. Aerobics Classes: If you really want, I'm pretty sure I saw some old Richard Simmons videocassettes in the bargain bin of my local video store, but is that even necessary? Can't you figure out how to do jumping jacks and run in place without instruction?

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. One more thing though: If you wanted to get really radical and get exercise in a way that wasn’t soul-destroyingly boring, try taking up a sport. And no, golf does not count.

There you go, fifty bucks a month saved already. Don’t spend it all in one place.