Thursday 30 July 2009

Tight Fist Tip #19: Get Free Haircuts

How Bad Could it Be?

Unless you want to end up like Cousin Itt from the Addam's Family, you're going to need to get your hair cut every now and then. But although haircuts are one of those things that should be really simple (ie, inexpensive), for some reason people have become convinced that this is something they can justify paying tons and tons of money for. And that's not to mention the incredible sexism inherent in the hair industry. Why exactly do womens' cuts usually usually have a base price of double the amount of mens' cuts?

Let's break down some easy steps you can take to cut down on your haircut costs.

I get my hair cut every two days.
After all, your hair is your headsuit.

1. Don't Pay for Haircuts. If you needed to find a doctor to perform open heart surgery, or maybe a lawyer to reduce your life sentence, you'd probably want to ensure that you found a real professional. But last time I checked, cutting with scissors was standard curriculum for kindergartners. I'm not saying that cutting hair doesn't require skills, but it's not exactly rocket science, and the consequences of a slight mishap are pretty low. Odds are you know someone in your social circle who knows how to cut hair, and you would be a fool not to take advantage of this. Buy them a beer, get a haircut, and be happy.

2. Get your hair cut as infrequently as possible. The problem here is that most people make a crucial mistake: they try to get their hair cut to exactly the length that they like best. THIS IS COMPLETELY MORONIC, because it means that seconds after you leave the place, your hair is now too long, and will just continue to get longer and look worse and worse. Instead, the key is to get it cut way shorter than you like it. Then, as time goes on it approaches its desired length, and then goes over. Not to get too nerdy on all of you in the audience, but if we make the simple assumption of symmetry of utility over hair length, getting your hair cut to the shortest length you can possibly tolerate will allow you to get half the amount of haircuts, with the same level of satisfaction.

Super Savers!

Also, stop being such a freaking priss and just learn to deal with cutting your hair short and letting it grow long. Who do you think you are, Jack Donaghy?

3. Keep it Simple. If you're looking for that ever-so-hot Marge Simpson do, Aunt Bertha may not be able to pull that one off for you on the cheap. But if you avoid the temptation to create some ridiculous and unnatural hairstyle, you are saving yourself a ton of hassle. For instance, the simple buzz cut removes any need to pay for haircuts once you get your own razor. And if that's a bit too dramatic for the ladies in the audience, just feel free to let your hair grow and you can have a friend give it a little snip when it gets too long.

If you are thinking that following these tips will prevent you from being really, really incredibly good-looking, get over your yourself. Your vanity will ruin you.


  1. I believe the haircut in the top picture is a variation on the Bressant Style.

    This style was popular in 19th century France. Charles Swann, a character in Proust's "À la recherche du temps perdu" wore his balding red hair in this manner.

    Anyway, it's very classy.

  2. It's amazing how much trying to imitate Hollywood creates consumption.