Tight Fist Tip #22: Useless Kitchen Supplies

Are They Drinking Wine From Non-Wine Glasses?
Holy Crap, Call The Cops!

As our 'Stop Buying Crap You Don't Need' series has already paid a visit to your closet floor (Tip #2) and the bathroom (Tip #16), you had to know that your kitchen couldn't be too far behind. If you walk into most kitchens (at least those of people who actually cook), they will be filled with drawers and shelves just full of random crap. Now, the owner of this crap will certainly assure you that each gadget has its special purpose, and without it certain specific tasks would be inexplicably difficult. "But how am I supposed to cut my hard boiled egg without an egg slicer? And How could I possibly peel my banana without a banana peeler? And if I didn't have my 76.8g pancake flipper, then I would never be able to flip pancakes that weighed 76.8 grams!" And so forth.

I could list about a million useless kitchen items, but I'll just focus on a few that I have recently encountered.

Electric Can Opener - Oh, the joys of elecrification! To think that back in the stone age people had to expend precious calories turning the knob on manual can openers. Fools!

The Mysterious Lemon Juicer: What, You Just Jam It In?

Lemon Juicer - Of all the useless appliances, this one is the most baffling. At least most of this crap at least does a decent job of doing whatever it was designed to do. But the lemon juicer, I don't even have a clue what to do with. Do I just jam it into the lemon and start twisting? That just seems ridiculous. I'll stick with a fork, thank you very much.

Honey Dipper - Yes, the rumors are true. If you ever try to serve honey with a spoon, as opposed to a certified honey dipper, the honey will revolt and attack you in the face.

Salad Tongs - You see, salad tongs are just like big spoons but flatter. The reason is that if you dared to use two normal big spoons to serve salad, you would never get to eat anything because all the salad would be lost in the bottomless crevice of the spoon.

A ridiculous selection of glasses: Believe it or not, one glass can be used to hold juice, water, or even wine! In fact, if a glass can hold one liquid, it can hold anything! In-freaking-credible!

This Is What Happens When You Introduce Gentiles To Jewish Food

A ridiculous selection of knives: A staple of every kitchen is a big knife rack. But here's a clue: all knives are are just sharp pieces of metal, and sharp pieces of metal cut things. I'll give you one flat and one serrated, but that's it.

Bagel Slicer: When untrained gentiles discovered the deliciousness that is a bagel, they were drastically unprepared for the ever-so-slightly elevated risk of cutting their hands when cutting a bagel as opposed to cutting anything else. So they turned to an age-old solution to all their problems: Buy Useless Crap! Any Jew who owns a bagel slicer should be especially ashamed.

Man, I feel like I'm just getting started- there are so many easy targets! But I think you get the point. And one note: I know many of you are going to use the excuse that the useless crap was just a gift, so it is not really your fault. This is never a valid excuse because by accepting gifts (and most likely reciprocating, unless you are a total jerk) you are participating in the gift culture that generates mountains and mountains of useless crap. But I'll get more into terribleness that is gift exchanging sometime in the future.

Ask The Tight Fist: Splurging on Sushi

Just One Piece, Just One Paycheck

Dear The Tight Fist,

The recent comment by Anonymous on your "Group Dinners" column talked about tapas, stating "Also, it seems like the Tight Fist should take a stand against tapas, if he hasn't already. Now that's a good way to empty your wallet while staying hungry!"

This made me think of delicious, delicious sushi. No matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry afterward, and my wallet is left empty! How do I reconcile my desire for this awesome-tasting dining choice without breaking the bank? Does this fall into the category of stuff that truly is worth it, even if it is a bit expensive, and hence one of the ultimate reasons for tight-fisting in the first place?

Keep in mind that the The TightFist once treated yours truly to the most expensive sushi dinner he's ever had...

Nat

Dear Nat,

Come on, don't be such a cheapskate! Feel free to treat yourself to delicious, expensive, unfilling delicacies like tapas and sushi whenver you'd like. I mean, you only live once. Who needs to be full? Spoil yourself!

There you go Nat, is that what you were hoping to hear? What's next, do you want my encouragement that it's ok to splurge on 50-yr old scotch? Or would you like my advice on the best bling to put in your new grill?

Have you been ignoring my advice all these months? Because if you had been listening, you'd know that this crap doesn't fly. The following quote pretty much sums it up: "No matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry afterward, and my wallet is empty." Look Nat, next time you feel like being hungry after dinner, why don't you just skip the part where you blow your paycheck? Last time I checked, starving yourself is still usually free. And if you're really desperate to part with some cash, you can always contribute to the worthy Tight Fist Foundation. (Donations accepted via PayPal at thetightfist@googlemail.com.) Moral of the story: eating is supposed to make you full, and any eating style that doesn't accomplish this basic task needs to get dumped from the routine.

And for those of you who are thinking, "But I love sushi, and I can afford it," THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT THIS BLOG? You are obviously either too rich or too dense for frugality lessons.

Desperate To Get Full Off Of Sushi, Big Jonny Had To Sell A Kidney

But ok buddy, I'm not going to leave you hanging. The obvious answer, which has of course already been covered before, is just to make the sushi yourself. While I know sushi is probably a bit different than what you'd normally cook, let's be honest here: it is just a piece of raw fish plopped on some rice. I'm pretty sure you can handle that. Sure you have to buy expensive sushi-grade fish, but overall it's going to be way cheaper than a restaurant (and you may even stand a chance of getting full.)

But my personal strategy for enjoying sushi? Get someone else to pay for it! Yes, every now and then we all get the opportunity to have a nice meal on someone else's dime. Think business expense accounts, someone owing you a meal, parents taking you out, etc. Every time one of these opportunities comes up I have one thought: delicious, delicious sushi.

So Nat, you made a smart move opting for sushi when some poor sap (me) owed you a nice meal. But aside from that, steer clear.

---------------------------
Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Tight Fist Cooking Guide

Tight Fist Chefs Worldwide!

As promised in my last post, I'm going to share my tried-and-true methods of getting full on the cheap.

Let's start with some theory. If you are a small female or some other bird-like eater, it may be pretty easy to eat cheaply, since you don't really consume anything anyway. But for us eaters in the crowd, making sure you can get full is a bit more of a challenge. First step? Discard any notion that a real meal consists of a big hunk of meat. Yes, I also truly love tearing into a gigantic piece of flesh, but if you are rich enough to eat steak every night I would hope you are doing better things than sitting here learning how to be a cheapskate (snorting coke off of a stripper's boobs maybe?) Instead, you are poor, and therefore the base of the meal and the bulk of your calories will have to come from cheap carbs. This generally means rice or pasta, but could also be potatoes, bread, dumplings, etc.

Oooh, I hope it's filled with rice!

Next, you'll need to make some sort of delicious topping to eat with said carbs. Then, depending on how broke you are, you can adjust the carb/sauce ratio and the amount of meat in the sauce. But remember, the 'meals' below are really just flavoring for the carbs. But it's cool because your carb topping is going to be amazing. Now, for the technique.

Core Ingredients:

A lot of some starch (Rice, Pasta, Etc)
Onions
Garlic
Tomatoes (Generally canned)
Meat (The real tightfist plans what meat to make for dinner on any given night by finding the stuff in the store that is expiring and marked down. Also, for some reason in the UK turkey is way cheap compared to other meats. And turkey is delicious.)
Assortment of Veggies
Some oil
Well-stocked spice cabinet (Yes, I know spices are expensive but cooking is only going to be sustainable if your food doesn't taste like crap.)

First step, saute some onions and garlic in a little bit of oil. Yes, I know we still haven't decided what we're going to make yet, but it doesn't matter. Onions and garlic make every dish delicious. You can always start by making onions and garlic, and then while they are getting nice and soft you can think about what you actually want to make.

From here, you are just steps away from making tons of delicious options. Here are a few examples:

1. Chuck in some meat, mushrooms, olives, and assorted herbs. Then add a bunch of tomatoes and cook down for a few minutes and you've got a killer pasta sauce that whups the crap out of Prego or Ragu.

2. Throw in some meat, tomatoes, cumin, rice, and hot peppers (I use powdered chipotle) and you've got taco/burrito filling. And if I ever see a Tight Fist reader go near one of those terrible 'fajita kits' that the Brits here love, I will punch you.

3. Chuck in some ginger, soy sauce, and a bunch of meat/veggies, and you've got stir fry. (Another note to the brits: Please, please, please do not destroy your stir-fry by adding one of those ever-popular 'stir-fry sauces' to your meal. Just look at the label- they are like 70% sugar! And they taste like crap!)

4. Add some ginger, meat, tomatoes, veggies, and Indian spices (cumin, tumeric, coriander, chili powder, etc) and you've got curry. Try adding yogurt or coconut milk to mix things up, and say goodbye to greasy Indian takeaway!

5. Chuck in some meat, tomatoes, beans, hot peppers and some water: Welcome to Chili-Town.

There are tons of other things of course, but you get the idea. If it doesn't taste too good, add more spices and salt- salt makes everything taste better.

All of these options take under half an hour to cook, cost less than a couple bucks per person, and leave a maximum of two pots to clean.

And a final note, because I know some of you out there are thinking it: but what if I'm trying to fit into a size 3 in time for bikini season? Then I can't eat carbs like you say, right? Wrong. You lose weight by eating less. So just eat less. (Note: Eating less also saves you money.) And stop taking the freaking elevator!

Man, I'll bet I could write a fantastic diet book.

Tight Fist Tip #10: Learn to Cook

A Valiant Effort

STOP! Move slowly away from the restaurant. And don't even think about ordering in Chinese. This is your bank account, begging on its knees to stop paying exorbitant prices for meals, which everyone knows you could make yourself if you could just once miss your precious half hour of Wheel of Fortune. First step: call mom and have her give you a lesson in operating your long-neglected stove. (Hint: You just turn the freaking knob.)

Here's a fun game that should make you feel guilty every time you go into a restaurant. When you order, try to estimate how much it would have cost for the ingredients at the grocery store. Then hang your head in shame. And cry.

Don't Worry, I Like it Well Done

And let's be clear about something: If you try to cheat by 'cooking' using prepared foods, your wallet will find out. Here in England, the locals have become so inundated with ready-meals (think TV dinners, not frozen but just as devoid of flavor) that they think they deserve some kind of Betty Crocker award when they pour a bottle of fluorescent sauce over grilled chicken and it vaguely reminds them of something they once had at some ethnic restaurant. Yum! Not only is all that crap disgusting and terrible for you, but it is also ridiculously priced.

Let's take a look at some common excuses of why you don't cook, and reveal how incredibly lame they are:

1. "I don't have the time." Oh, will it cut into your precious American Idol time? Or maybe you were going to spend those 30 minutes honing the maximum wit into your new Facebook status? I do apologize.

2. "I'm too tired after a long day." Oh yeah, surfing the internet in your cubicle all day sure is taxing. Careful with that spatula: you wouldn't want to pull a muscle.

3. "I can't cook." Oh, why won't someone put together some really easy idiot-proof instructions on how to make my favorite foods. If only someone could compile exactly how much of each ingredient to use in a dish and then give step-by-step instructions on what to do with them! And if only they could post a billion of these 'recipes' for free on the internet! Sigh... (Note, please do not let me catch you buying a cookbook.)

Still unconvinced? Worried that even Fido will scoff at the dishes that come out of your oven? Fortunately, The Tight Fist is going to make things super-easy for you. I have developed some fool-proof cooking techniques that are easy, quick, cheap, and super-delicious.

So stay tuned for The Tight Fist Cooking Guide, coming out shortly.