Tight Fist Tip #23: Don't Drink Gatorade

It's Got What Athletes Crave!

Man, this world is a totally screwed up place. You'd think that millions of years of evolution would have attuned our bodies to be able to replenish themselves using readily available, natural means. But unfortunately that's not the case; in fact it wasn't until 1965 that scientists at the University of Florida finally cracked the secret to thirst quenching. Evolution really missed the boat on this one! You see, for millennia humans had been foolishly drinking water to quench their thirst, and they had totally neglected the necessity of 'electrolytes', and therefore were consistently slow and weak. The addition of electrolytes to drinks caused the Florida Gators to win the Orange Bowl, and gave mankind the energy and endurance to land on the moon, invent the supercomputer, and organize the world's largest coconut orchestra.

Yes folks, the above is all true, at least according to the marketing departments of sports drinks such as Gatorade, Powerade, and the barely-fit-for-human-consumption UK equivalent, Lucozade. These guys have seriously talented Madison Avenue wizards, as they have somehow managed to convince legions of people that if you try to play sports without consuming fluorescent salt water, you will not only lose the race but will unquestionably shrivel up and die.

Let's just stop for a second and take a look at what the heck 'electrolytes' really are. It's no secret really- listed on the back of every Gatorade it tells you that Gatorade contains sodium, potassium, and chloride. So, here's the first lesson for those of you who failed high school chemistry: TWO OUT OF THE THREE FREAKING ELECTROLYTES ARE JUST SALT. As for potassium, it's not really some kind of evasive nutrient either- bananas are full of them. So just to be clear: Gatorade is just water with sugar, salt, potassium, and yummy yummy artificial coloring.

And now, we interrupt this serious message to bring you some electrolyte-related humor, courtesy of the classic movie 'Idiocracy'. If you haven't seen this movie, go rent it now. (And sorry for the poor quality. It was the best I could find.)

If you fail to see the relevance of this video to the Gatorade argument, you fail.

So, how did humankind manage to build pyramids and outrun tigers without any sports drinks? Well, those clever people just ate food, and this food magically contained all the nutrients they needed. And when they were thirsty, they somehow managed with good old electrolyte-free water. Amazing, isn't it? So next time you're working out, save yourself a buck and grab a handful of pretzels and a banana instead of some glowing ooze. Your body and your wallet will thank you.

Tight Fist Tip #21: Avoid The Soda Upsell

I Love Overpriced High Fructose Corn Syrup Water!

While the ultimate liquid sin still has to be purchasing bottled water, drinking coke and other carbonated beverages can't come too far behind. Sure we know a Coca-Cola habit is going to keep you poor, but with the added bonus of making you a fat drug addict with rotten teeth, how could you resist?

But ok, soda (and other sugared beverages) are just one of many unhealthy, unnecessary products that you could waste your money on. So why pick on them specifically?

Well, the really disgusting thing about soda is how it is so ridiulously cheap to produce, and therefore such an incredible profit driver for restaurants. Now, as an economist I have been trained that trying to assess a product's value by looking at its production cost is silly and meaningless, but I'm going to do it anyway. Let's take a look at how selling a fountain soda works out for a fast food place. They have a machine that takes water, carbon dioxide, and syrup and turns it into soda. Water is virtually free, a single CO2 tank is cheap and lasts weeks, so what about that secret-formula Coca Cola syrup? Well according to a recent book reported on by Newsweek, basically nothing! (Ok, it is $.000052 per coke.) And sold at $1.50, who could resist such a bargain? While I know there are probably some distribution costs, etc, the raw fact of that matter is that the input cost of a soda for a restaurant is basically zero.

There are some other great anecdotes at this guy's blog, but the main point is that selling sodas are the main profit driver at many restaurants. My favorite quote, which I totally agree with: "McDonalds is the most elaborate Coca Cola sales operation on the planet, and exists pretty much to sell coke." (Taken from an obviously-reliable poster called 'TheBlueberryPirate')

But as sick as this situation is, it actually creates amazing opportunities for Tight Fists everywhere. Since sodas are such an amazing profit driver for fast food restaurants, they frequently offer steep discounts on food in the hope that this will get customers in the door to buy Cokes. Yes, the 99 cent menus and Sub of the Days are basically Coke promotions, and potentially are loss-making in themselves. But of course, you would have to be A TOTAL MORON to fall for this trick. The Tight Fisters are smart enough to see through the old bait and switch, and instead drink crisp, cool, free water.

So next time you go into McDonald's, order two 99 cent double cheeseburgers and a water. Then sit back and imagine the CEO trashing his office out of rage since you saw through his evil plan. The Tight Fist wins again!

Tight Fist Tip #17: Fancy Wine Is Still Just Fermented Grapes

Prickly, with a Subtle Aftertaste of Unicorn

There are tons of examples where companies use clever branding to convince customers that their crappy product is some type of luxury good; this is helpful so that rich idiots can find something to waste all their money on. Some examples are when Toyota puts some leather seats in its Camry and calls it a Lexus, or when Tesco labels fruit 'Finest' just because it is ripe. In general, however, producers don't invent an entire new vocabulary and train an army of 'experts' in order to brainwash the populace spending ridiculous amounts of money.

But the fermented grape industry is special. Normally, if you were trying to distinguish between the taste of two different things, you would use normal descriptions like sweet, bitter, salty, etc. But for connoisseurs of fermented grapes, this isn't good enough, because if you were to use normal, reasonable, understandable descriptive characteristics you would come to a horrifying conclusion: fermented grapes all taste pretty similar. Noooooo!!!!!!! But then how can they convince rich idiots to spend hundreds of dollars on 50-year old fermented grapes? Well, that's easy enough. You just have to invent a whole new ridiculous vocabulary to describe your fermented grapes, brainwash a few people into thinking that they taste all these crazy things, and then dismiss all the doubters as unsophisticated.

For some examples of this crazy vocabulary take a look at fermented grape guru Robert Parker's wine glossary. Pretty soon you'll be saying things like, "I love my fermented grapes flabby, silky, and chewy. Or actually, today I would prefer one that is round, plummy, and somehow smells like tobacco." Is this guy serious? (Note that sadly, that was a rhetorical question.) I used to think that when someone said fermented grapes had hints of rasberry (or some other non-grape fruit) that they had actually put some other fruit in the fermented grapes. But no, that would make too much sense. Instead this is just drunk fermented-grape tasters imagining that grapes had somehow mutated into other fruits when no one was looking.

For more along the lines of this discussion, I ecourage you to consult the excellent article On Wine Bullshit from the Journal of Wine Economics. Of particular interest is the part where they write a computer program to generate fermented grape reviews using common terms, and compare them to real reviews. (As expected, they are pretty much indistinguishable.)

I'm not saying there aren't subtle differences between different types of fermented grapes from different locations, year, etc, I'm just saying that these subtle differences DO NOT MAKE A LICK OF DIFFERENCE IN YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THE FERMENTED GRAPES. Sure, there are some cheap fermented grapes that make you grimace or give terrible headaches, and feel free to avoid them. But other then that, it's pretty much impossible to make an objective judgment of quality. Of course the fermented grape industry would love to convince you that their expensive fermentations have special qualities that are somehow better than other ones.

Perfection in a Bottle

But if you're set on getting brainwashed into thinking certain types of fermented grapes are better than others, please do it the right way. Just do your best to convince yourself that the common qualities of cheap ones are distinctive, unique, and special. For instance, I have convinced myself that the perfect blend of fermented grapes is none other than the delicious Two Buck Chuck. I mean, it just doesn't get much better than that in my book.

But in case Two Buck Chuck doesn't exist in your area, let me try to introduce my own simplified system for judging fermented grapes.

1. Alcohol Content. Do the fermented grapes contain alcohol? If not, you are drinking grape juice. Go back to the store look in the booze aisle.

2. Taste. Does taking a sip of the fermented grapes make you grimace? Does it sorta make you want to wretch? If not, it tastes fine.

3. Price. Did you pay more then five bucks for the bottle? If so, you lose.

See, isn't that a lot easier?

And just in case you need more inspiration, check out this hilarious New York Times article which talks about how a panel of 'experts' was assembled to figure out whether or not South African fermented grapes tasted like 'burnt rubber' just because some 'expert' said it did.

Tight Fist Tip #12: Stop Being a Drug Addict

Beware Dangerous Junkies!

If you have just read the title of this article and are now looking doubtfully at your primed syringe of heroin, I'm not sure I can be of much use at this point. Maybe some of my hard-core drug user fans were using this blog as a way to save pennies toward the next fix, but I think you guys are missing the point.

Instead, let's focus on caffeine. Coffee drinkers of the world, man up and face the facts: YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT. And if you are reading this blog, YOU ARE NOT RICH ENOUGH TO BE A DRUG ADDICT. In today's society it is only socially acceptable to be a drug addict if you are a stock broker, rock star, or prep school trust fund baby. (Also, you have to be white.)

Thank The Addicts for Free Bathrooms Around the Globe

And if you are the type who pops into Starbucks or Costa every day to get your drug fix, you are failing at life. Only a complete moron would a) get addicted to drugs and then b) choose the most expensive way possible to consume such drug. While I'm sure that the highly trained 17-year-old 'Master Barista' at your local Starbucks is really good at pressing buttons on the coffee machine, something tells me you could figure that crap out at home. Man, these cafes have really got it figured out. If only I could find some addictive but socially acceptable drug to peddle on every street corner that would be sweet. (Any ideas? These dudes already stole my best one.)

And really, if you were going to be a drug addict couldn't you pick something more fun than caffeine anyway? I mean, I know some people love to be all jittery and awake, but if I was paying four bucks a cup I would expect at least a bit of euphoria.

Finally, if you are a nicotine addict don't think you are off the hook. I just thought picking on you would be too easy, like challenging a paraplegic to one-on-one.

Tight Fist Tip #9: Don't Drink Bottled Water

The Picture of a Mountain Makes it Taste Amazing!

Coca-Cola Boardroom, Mid-90s:

Some dude in a ridiculous suit: Bottled water is so hot right now. But damn those Frenchies and their crisp, clear Alps water. How can we compete with that?
Some guy with a toupe: Hey, how do consumers know that Evain comes from some amazing river that must be unlike anything we have in the US? We all know it tastes the same as normal refrigerated water. And lord knows they don't read the bottle; most people can barely read anyway!
SDRS: Oooh, I know! It's the picture of the mountain! Let's just put tap water in a bottle with a picture of a mountain and people will love it!
SGWT: We are so smart I can barely stand it!

And there goes the story about how Coca-cola and Pepsico managed to take something that is free, put it in a fancy bottle with a fancy name (Dasani, Aquafina), and make a bazillion dollars selling it to idiots. To a true Tight Fister, there is nothing worse than buying bottled water; doing so should make you feel simply sinful and unclean. But for those of you who didn't get the memo, here we go:

Memo: STOP BUYING WATER. IT IS FREE. Thanks.

Buying bottled water is so mind-bendingly idiotic that I have very little extra to say about it. (Note that if you live in a country without drinkable tap water, you are exempt from this rule.)

If you or anyone else you know still insists on paying for free things please introduce them to me. I have some very excellent bagged air on sale.

Tight Fist Tip #3: Prepartying and Drinking on The Cheap

One of the greatest drain on the finances comes from a night on the town. Not only are bars usually hellishly expensive to begin with, but when you take into account buying drinks for the opposite sex, reciprocating unwanted rounds and inebriated decision making, things can spin out of control quickly. While the easiest way to beat these problems is to just avoid going out entirely, that is not exactly realistic. Fortunately, the Tight Fist has some time-honored tactics to get you nice and drunk without going broke.

Let's start with the basics. Has anyone ever told you not to drink on an empty stomach? THAT PERSON WAS A LYING IDIOT WHO WANTS YOU TO DIE POOR. In fact, you should only drink on an empty stomach. The logic is very clear: you want to get a bit tipsy, eating food means it takes more alcohol to get tipsy, so eating simply costs you money. So next time you are thinking of getting a bite to eat before hitting the bars, just realize that you are flushing money down the toilet. Plus since booze has plenty of calories, skipping dinner prevents you from getting even fatter.

But what about those tiny people who would get drunk off two sips on an empty stomach, shouldn't they eat? NO! These people are the luckiest people on earth, and should not waste their wonderful circumstance. Instead, they should get together in a group, buy one frilly cocktail and all get wasted for pennies! Lucky bastards!

And what if you don't actually want to feel the effects of alcohol, and want to have a nice, sober night of drinking? WELL THEN DRINK WATER YOU MORON, and stop pissing your money away.

And for the really hard-core Tight-Fisters out there? Try donating blood before a night on the town! Besides being a good public citizen, you will also get wasted for super-cheap!

Next, let me introduce you to two more tricks that both rely on a well-known fact: buying booze at supermarkets is way cheaper than buying them when out, but fortunately it does the job just as well.

First of all, don't even consider hitting the bars sober- ever. Instead, make sure you pre-party heavily. Then you can go out, nurse one beer the whole night, and barely dent your wallet. And if there's not time for proper pre-partying, you can always improvise: get a bottle at a local liquor store and hit that baby in the parking lot.

Next, let me introduce you to your new best money-saving friend, the flask.

Put It Down Your Pants

Yes, if you fill up a flask with your liquor of choice, it will be your best friend all evening, keeping you going for free while your buddies blow all their cash. If you want to be really sophisticated, you can buy a coke at the bar and then covertly mix it with the contents of your flask. (Note that this strategy is especially useful at baseball games. Never buy a seven-dollar beer again!) And if you're worried about getting caught with the flask going into a club or sporting event, just stick it down your pants!

And finally, a little note for the guys out there. Under no circumstances should you ever buy a drink for a girl you don't know in an attempt to get in their pants. The strategy is foolish, money-wasting, and unlikely to succeed. And even worse, it just rewards devilishly deviant gold-digging behavior. Solidarity, Tight Fisters!

Happy Boozing!