Thursday 4 June 2009

Tight Fist Tip #7: You Don't Need Designer Crap to Get Laid

Hey Sexy, Nice Broakleys!

I could (and maybe will) write a million blog posts on how buying fancy designer products (especially clothes, etc.) is a gigantic waste of money. Hopefully it's not too difficult to convince people that spending $200 on Gucci Jeans or a Prada Handbag or whatever is not such an intelligent financial decision. But still the weak among us will go again and again to the fancy boutiques, and blow their hard-earned paychecks on some logo.

Economists would call this behavior conspicuous consumption- buying expensive stuff just to show other people how rich and awesome you are. Logically, any true Tight Fister should find this laughable and ridiculous. But the truth of the matter is that those Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses stem from a more primal emotion: Everybody's trying to get them some. (Or alternatively, trying to find a loving, long-term partner. Not to promote gender sterotypes here, but feel free to read between the lines.)

But here is where the Tight Fisters smile smugly, because they know the truth: BLOWING ALL YOUR CASH ON FLASHY CRAP WILL NOT GET YOU LAID!

Peas in a Pod

Well, let me qualify that a little bit for you. Wearing some snazzy sunglasses and carrying around one of those garish Louis Vutton handbags may earn you points with some members of the opposite sex. But it will send any sane member of the opposite sex running! So you've attracted some terrible, airheaded, money-loving prospects, but have scared away any fellow Tight Fisters out there! And you've blown a bunch of cash. That's messed up.

Think dudes, is it really worth wasting your money to attract the ditzy, gold-digging chicks of the world while scaring away anyone with substance? Just think what would happen if you accidentally got tricked into dating one of these girls! You'd be poor and miserable within weeks!

And ladies, do you really want to start a relationship knowing that he only went for you because of that form-fitting dress and those heels that make you want to cry? For how many dates can you keep it up? You'd better start saving for that boob job now.

Ahhh, True Love at Last

I can just hear the counter-arguments flowing in: 'But I just like the way designer clothes make me look, it's not about getting laid' OR 'Dude, designer clothes totally get me laid' combined with 'I can afford it so why not?' So let me ask you, can you really afford it? Are you so wealthy that spending five hundred bucks on an outfit doesn't even make you blink? Well if so, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOING ON MY BLOG? Get the hell out of here, and go have fun with your rich, vapid, consumerist lifestyle.

Tight Fisters, it's time to drop the charade. Buying and flashing designer crap is not going to help your sex life, and it will only make you miserable in the long run. Stay strong, and hook up with a local Tight Fister in your neighborhood. It will be the best decision you ever made.

It's not every day that you can learn how to save money and salvage your dating life in one post, so savor this while you can.


  1. this has got to be the most awesome post by far.

    another way to be tight fisted is to get exercise and free japanese technology by cycling to kentish town to pick up a rice cooker as well.

  2. Yeah I am waiting for a post about tight fisted cooking in your own home.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I will personally attest that the author of this blog does not iron his shirts or pants and girls throw themselves at him.

    There are plenty of scientists on this blog, so you will enjoy a good unfounded theory. Economists please test this:

    First consider the following lemma. In computer animation there is a theory of the uncanny valley. If a character looks completely animated, people find it adorable. If a person is completely non-animated they find it pleasing as well. However, there is a middle zone where the human characters look like plastic zombies (Toy Story 1, Polar Express). The problem was not that the animation was not real enough, its that they were almost real. It creeps everyone out.

    Similarly, when you go out to pick up girls at a party we can consider three cases.
    1. You are very well dressed, and despite even middling looks girls think that by possessing you, they may -- for a moment -- be able to live in a classy wonderful place that they fantasize about.

    2. Next there is the case that you are dressed pretty nice, but not great. Your shirt is good but not perfect, your pants are of the right style but not top end, and it shows, you are wearing shoes that you thought were cool in highschool but have not updated for your age. This is the uncanny valley of cool. You now inhabit the land of thousand douche bags - girls can't tell you are smart, sensitive, and read the tight fist. They also would rather call their ex-boy-friend than sleep with you.

    3. Last is the zone the author of this blog inhabits. His clothes offer no indication of anything, simply no one would wear that if they intended to get laid. He clearly has enough money to stave off Hep C and brush his teeth, yet his clothes are so cheap. Immediately the girl, confronted, must turn her focus to his other qualities. Having removed clothes as a symbol of wealth, he is no longer judged by them.

    This is only a theory, but I have to find some analysis that explains why girls fall for the author of this blog and his cheapness.

  5. I back up Matt's claim. Mr. Tight Fister never ceases to amaze me with how he can get chicks even though his clothes are all crumply.

  6. Not if you find designer stuff at the bottom of the bargain bin at a vintage store.


  7. Hey all, came across this blog while searching for designer sales...

    Have a quick question for the author - where did you see Gucci jeans for $200? I've been having to pay like $500+ in the stores near me.

    Thanks for the tips!

  8. Prada handbags are certainly more than $200. I thought a doctoral candidate would do his research first...