Tight Fist Tip #29: Shop At Real Thrift Stores

Vintage Retro Super Fun Time!

In my last post, I mentioned that the best way to buy costumes was to go to a thrift shop. Certainly you wouldn't need to be a genius to figure out that you can save money by buying your clothes second hand, so you may at first think that there's nothing to write about here. But there is a worrisome problem regarding used clothes: in certain circles (think hipsters), they are trendy, and with trendy comes rising prices.

But how can this be? Once, people only wore old used clothes because they were cheap. Then hipster trendster types decide that for some reason old clothes were suddenly even cooler than that band you don't even know about yet. If hipsters want a certain (effortless?) look, they will go to all ends of the earth to make it happen, including spending tons of money on their clothes. But their cool, effortless look would be completely destroyed if their hyper-judgemental friends were to figure out that they bought expensive clothes. So what to do? Well, enter the 'vintage' clothing shop, a second hand store that sells crummy used clothes for new clothes prices. What a great idea! This way, trendsters can successfully waste their Jamba Juice salaries on some stupid-looking expensive skinny jeans, and then before any of their catty friends ask how much they paid, they can flippantly remark how they got it second hand.

But with all these fake thrift stores popping up to serve the hipsters, how is a true Tight Fist supposed to discern between a real second hand store, and a pretentious 'vintage' hell hole? Here are some tips to figure it out:

1. Does the name of the store contain the words 'vintage' or 'retro'? If so, get the hell out of there. If you were to look up these words in a dictionary, you should find the following definition 'adjective used to describe items that are old yet inexplicably expensive'. (Note that this is also the definition of the word 'antique'.)

Way too Hot = Way too Expensive

2. Is the person behind the counter young, wearing nice clothes, and/or even remotely attractive? If you want to sleep with the cashier, you are in the wrong place. Real thrift stores have elderly volunteers behind the counter, not aspiring jeans models.

3. Is there music playing that was made in the past 10 years? If the music is designed to lure in hipsters and their fat allowances, you have lost your way. Instead, you should look for music designed to remind poor old people of happier times. (Maybe this one?)

4. Is there lighting that is not big flourescent tubes? Fancy lights just add to your costs. Decent thrift stores do not blow your savings on lampshades.

5. Are the clothes freaking cheap? I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but a lot of peoples' perceptions of what clothes should cost are totally out of whack. So I suggest the following barometer: the Marshalls/TJ Maxx test. If the (used) clothes cost anywhere near the price of the same (new) thing at Marshalls, you would be a complete idiot to purchase it. Case closed.

So have fun shopping, but not too much fun. Even if you find great clothes at a real cheap thrift shop, the eternal Tight Fist rule of 'Don't Buy Crap You Don't Need' rules supreme. Just because you find a cheap pair of jeans, you are not allowed to buy it if you already have a perfectly good pair at home. Case closed.

Tight Fist Tip #18: Use Sales and Promotions, But With Caution

But Honey, It Was On Sale!

I know that some of you out there get all hot and bothered at the sight of a sale sign, but these situations are no time to be rash. We Jews know to be skeptical of sales, as we know that even big discounts won't make overpriced, useless crap even vaguely desirable. But since the credit card loving masses out there can have trouble distinguishing a gimmick from a really good deal, let met try to break down a few simple rules.

In order to illustrate when it is justified to partake in a promotion, I've prepared the following mock scenarios for us to analyze.

Q: Crate and Barrel has an amazing honey dipper on sale for 80% off- should you buy it?

A: If you have spent years and years trying to figure out how to transfer honey from the jar to your food, you are obviously too moronic to be making shopping decisions in the first place. For the rest of us, it should be painfully obvious that this is a product that has no right to exist and therefore should not be bought no matter what the price. The moral of the story is that the ultimate Tight Fist rule 'Do Not Buy Crap That You Don't Need' trumps everything. Plus, what the hell are you doing at Crate and Barrel anyway? You should be ashamed of yourself!

Q: You need a new pair of jeans (which of course must mean that you have no other wearable pants, as otherwise the above rule would apply). The Prada store has an incredible 50% off sale on some super-swanky jeans. Deal or No Deal?

Sale on Shin Ramen?

A: Give me a break. Let's solve this with some simple mathematics: 1 Stupidly Expensive Piece of Crap x Some Discount = Still 1 Stupidly Overpriced Piece of Crap. Plus, you would get laughed at behind your back for having stupidly expensive jeans, and you'd have to go out of your way to work into the conversation how you got them for such a great deal, making you look like a complete douche.

Q: Your girlfriend is getting impatient because you haven't gone on a real 'date' for a few weeks. You notice that some new restaurant has a 2-for-1 midweek meals promotion. Can you swing it?

A: You Bet! The best way to make use of discounts is when you were going to have to buy something anyway, and just make use of a sweet discount to dampen the pain. And if you're worried about your date judging you for taking her out on a discount, DUMP THAT BITCH. If she can't appreciate a good deal, she will only cause you pain.

On an aside, this situation reminds me of a lesson learned by my ultimate Tight Fist inspiration, my grandfather Harry. Whenever the family used to come into town to come visit him, he would promise to take us out one night to a restaurant. Immediately, he would bust out his giant 'Entertainment' coupon booklet, which was full of restaurant deals, and we were allowed to pick a restaurant based on the selection of where he had the best coupons. What a legend.

Tight Fist Tip #11: Don't Shop at Stores That Sell Only One Kind of Thing

Double Score!

Let's imagine that you stink and therefore need some soap. But where to buy such an item? First reaction: Oh, I remember there is this soap store at the mall- I'll bet I could get my soap there! Yes you could, as long as you are cool with trading a day's salary for something that any sane human being should mistake for an appetizer. ("I'll start with the avocado-cocoa-honey creme bar.")

Flagrant False Advertising, and Terrible Prices

But no Tight Fisters, that would be falling for a terrible con, as it is almost always a terrible idea to buy things at shops that only sell one type of thing. In fact, the more different types of things that a store sells, the cheaper is probably is. For instance, let's continue with the soap example. Maybe further down in the mall there is a 'Bed, Bath, and Beyond'. That sounds promising, as 'Beyond' seems to indicate a wide variety of goods, but upon further thought you should realize that this just serves as an excuse to pack a store with items that are so ridiculously useless that they are 'Beyond' categorization. (Oooh, wooden birds for only $200!) You then might consider a drug store, which in the US is a pretty good idea as they have a pretty wide range. But the real Tight Fister will skip all of these options and head for the ultimate smorgasbord: The 99 Cent Store. Yes, these glorious shops have just about everything under the sun, and are a Tight Fister's best friend.

Note that there are some exceptions to this rule, the first and foremost among them being the irrational continued existence of department stores. While department stores offer pretty much the same crap as say, Target or Wal-Mart, they for some reason think they can get away with charging shockingly terrible prices. The only excuse to enter such places is to grab a free sample of perfume/cologne before a hot date.

But why is the one store in the world that promises to 'sell everything' so expensive? The reason is that Harrod's is not really a store. You should think of it as a special safari where you can watch a much richer but far less intelligent human-like species grazing in their natural habitat. And entry is free! Now there's a deal.

Homo-CreditCardicus in Their Natural Habitat