Ask The Tight Fist: Splurging on Sushi

Just One Piece, Just One Paycheck

Dear The Tight Fist,

The recent comment by Anonymous on your "Group Dinners" column talked about tapas, stating "Also, it seems like the Tight Fist should take a stand against tapas, if he hasn't already. Now that's a good way to empty your wallet while staying hungry!"

This made me think of delicious, delicious sushi. No matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry afterward, and my wallet is left empty! How do I reconcile my desire for this awesome-tasting dining choice without breaking the bank? Does this fall into the category of stuff that truly is worth it, even if it is a bit expensive, and hence one of the ultimate reasons for tight-fisting in the first place?

Keep in mind that the The TightFist once treated yours truly to the most expensive sushi dinner he's ever had...

Nat

Dear Nat,

Come on, don't be such a cheapskate! Feel free to treat yourself to delicious, expensive, unfilling delicacies like tapas and sushi whenver you'd like. I mean, you only live once. Who needs to be full? Spoil yourself!

There you go Nat, is that what you were hoping to hear? What's next, do you want my encouragement that it's ok to splurge on 50-yr old scotch? Or would you like my advice on the best bling to put in your new grill?

Have you been ignoring my advice all these months? Because if you had been listening, you'd know that this crap doesn't fly. The following quote pretty much sums it up: "No matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry afterward, and my wallet is empty." Look Nat, next time you feel like being hungry after dinner, why don't you just skip the part where you blow your paycheck? Last time I checked, starving yourself is still usually free. And if you're really desperate to part with some cash, you can always contribute to the worthy Tight Fist Foundation. (Donations accepted via PayPal at thetightfist@googlemail.com.) Moral of the story: eating is supposed to make you full, and any eating style that doesn't accomplish this basic task needs to get dumped from the routine.

And for those of you who are thinking, "But I love sushi, and I can afford it," THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT THIS BLOG? You are obviously either too rich or too dense for frugality lessons.

Desperate To Get Full Off Of Sushi, Big Jonny Had To Sell A Kidney

But ok buddy, I'm not going to leave you hanging. The obvious answer, which has of course already been covered before, is just to make the sushi yourself. While I know sushi is probably a bit different than what you'd normally cook, let's be honest here: it is just a piece of raw fish plopped on some rice. I'm pretty sure you can handle that. Sure you have to buy expensive sushi-grade fish, but overall it's going to be way cheaper than a restaurant (and you may even stand a chance of getting full.)

But my personal strategy for enjoying sushi? Get someone else to pay for it! Yes, every now and then we all get the opportunity to have a nice meal on someone else's dime. Think business expense accounts, someone owing you a meal, parents taking you out, etc. Every time one of these opportunities comes up I have one thought: delicious, delicious sushi.

So Nat, you made a smart move opting for sushi when some poor sap (me) owed you a nice meal. But aside from that, steer clear.

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Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Tight Fist Tip #21: Avoid The Soda Upsell

I Love Overpriced High Fructose Corn Syrup Water!

While the ultimate liquid sin still has to be purchasing bottled water, drinking coke and other carbonated beverages can't come too far behind. Sure we know a Coca-Cola habit is going to keep you poor, but with the added bonus of making you a fat drug addict with rotten teeth, how could you resist?

But ok, soda (and other sugared beverages) are just one of many unhealthy, unnecessary products that you could waste your money on. So why pick on them specifically?

Well, the really disgusting thing about soda is how it is so ridiulously cheap to produce, and therefore such an incredible profit driver for restaurants. Now, as an economist I have been trained that trying to assess a product's value by looking at its production cost is silly and meaningless, but I'm going to do it anyway. Let's take a look at how selling a fountain soda works out for a fast food place. They have a machine that takes water, carbon dioxide, and syrup and turns it into soda. Water is virtually free, a single CO2 tank is cheap and lasts weeks, so what about that secret-formula Coca Cola syrup? Well according to a recent book reported on by Newsweek, basically nothing! (Ok, it is $.000052 per coke.) And sold at $1.50, who could resist such a bargain? While I know there are probably some distribution costs, etc, the raw fact of that matter is that the input cost of a soda for a restaurant is basically zero.

There are some other great anecdotes at this guy's blog, but the main point is that selling sodas are the main profit driver at many restaurants. My favorite quote, which I totally agree with: "McDonalds is the most elaborate Coca Cola sales operation on the planet, and exists pretty much to sell coke." (Taken from an obviously-reliable poster called 'TheBlueberryPirate')

But as sick as this situation is, it actually creates amazing opportunities for Tight Fists everywhere. Since sodas are such an amazing profit driver for fast food restaurants, they frequently offer steep discounts on food in the hope that this will get customers in the door to buy Cokes. Yes, the 99 cent menus and Sub of the Days are basically Coke promotions, and potentially are loss-making in themselves. But of course, you would have to be A TOTAL MORON to fall for this trick. The Tight Fisters are smart enough to see through the old bait and switch, and instead drink crisp, cool, free water.

So next time you go into McDonald's, order two 99 cent double cheeseburgers and a water. Then sit back and imagine the CEO trashing his office out of rage since you saw through his evil plan. The Tight Fist wins again!

Ask The Tight Fist: Group Dinners

Team Tight Fist? You Had Better Hope.

Dear Tight Fist,

The team, including my ride, decides to go to a post-tournament dinner on Sunday. At a brewpub. The cheapest thing on the menu is an $11 burger. Before we even sit down, a teammate sets the tone by ordering four $18 pitchers and three $9 appetizers "for the table." What do I do?

-Frugal Teammate

Dear Frugal Teammate-

This is seriously a nightmare situation that is going to require some deep plays from the Tight Fist playbook. There is nothing more frustrating than being forced into outrageous purchases made by some idiot just because that bastard 'assumed' that you also love to throw all your money away.

First things first- you need to get away from that hellish $99 bill. The only way to do this? Get the hell out of there...sneakily. Everyone will just assume that you are going to the bathroom, but you really will be jetting out of the restaurant and finding some reasonably-priced carry-out place. Then you just come back to the restaurant with your food and tell your friends you had an deep unavoidable urge for Subway or McDonald's or whatever. Bill avoided!

And if the waiter gives you crap about bringing in your own food, I would suggest the 'start a scene approach'. One idea: Fake allergy! "Sir, I am deathly allergic to polysorbontic compounds. Can you guarantee that all your food is polysorbontic free? I didn't think so. So if I eat your food I could die. Do you want me to die? Now get the hell out of here." Make sure to be loud and disturb other customers, so the waiter will just want to do anything necessary to shut you up. Done and done.

Hey, What Asshole Ordered The Faberge Omelette?

But what if there are no other food options nearby, and you don't have the willpower to sit there and consume nothing? Well, then you have to make the eternal choice: food or booze. This should be a no brainer, as we all know that ordering food and booze simultaneously is moronic. Pick one and join in, but make sure it is publicly known that you are not consuming the other (and therefore not responsible for that part of the bill.) Some example excuses for why you're not eating:

• "I only eat my food in bar form"
  
• "I have an eating disorder"
  
• "I have explosive diarrhea"
  
• "I'm trying to starve my parasite"
  

And why aren't you drinking?

• "God hates booze"
  
• "I have only one kidney"
  
• "I am worried I will try to make out with you"
  
• "I'm an alcoholic"
  
• "Because of my happy pills"
  

As for your 'friend', you need to make sure you return the favor by putting him in an awkward situation where he is obliged to spend money against his will. I would suggest the good old 'order pizza for delivery to his house trick'. Every week.

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Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Tight Fist Tip #18: Use Sales and Promotions, But With Caution

But Honey, It Was On Sale!

I know that some of you out there get all hot and bothered at the sight of a sale sign, but these situations are no time to be rash. We Jews know to be skeptical of sales, as we know that even big discounts won't make overpriced, useless crap even vaguely desirable. But since the credit card loving masses out there can have trouble distinguishing a gimmick from a really good deal, let met try to break down a few simple rules.

In order to illustrate when it is justified to partake in a promotion, I've prepared the following mock scenarios for us to analyze.

Q: Crate and Barrel has an amazing honey dipper on sale for 80% off- should you buy it?

A: If you have spent years and years trying to figure out how to transfer honey from the jar to your food, you are obviously too moronic to be making shopping decisions in the first place. For the rest of us, it should be painfully obvious that this is a product that has no right to exist and therefore should not be bought no matter what the price. The moral of the story is that the ultimate Tight Fist rule 'Do Not Buy Crap That You Don't Need' trumps everything. Plus, what the hell are you doing at Crate and Barrel anyway? You should be ashamed of yourself!

Q: You need a new pair of jeans (which of course must mean that you have no other wearable pants, as otherwise the above rule would apply). The Prada store has an incredible 50% off sale on some super-swanky jeans. Deal or No Deal?

Sale on Shin Ramen?

A: Give me a break. Let's solve this with some simple mathematics: 1 Stupidly Expensive Piece of Crap x Some Discount = Still 1 Stupidly Overpriced Piece of Crap. Plus, you would get laughed at behind your back for having stupidly expensive jeans, and you'd have to go out of your way to work into the conversation how you got them for such a great deal, making you look like a complete douche.

Q: Your girlfriend is getting impatient because you haven't gone on a real 'date' for a few weeks. You notice that some new restaurant has a 2-for-1 midweek meals promotion. Can you swing it?

A: You Bet! The best way to make use of discounts is when you were going to have to buy something anyway, and just make use of a sweet discount to dampen the pain. And if you're worried about your date judging you for taking her out on a discount, DUMP THAT BITCH. If she can't appreciate a good deal, she will only cause you pain.

On an aside, this situation reminds me of a lesson learned by my ultimate Tight Fist inspiration, my grandfather Harry. Whenever the family used to come into town to come visit him, he would promise to take us out one night to a restaurant. Immediately, he would bust out his giant 'Entertainment' coupon booklet, which was full of restaurant deals, and we were allowed to pick a restaurant based on the selection of where he had the best coupons. What a legend.

Tight Fist Tip #15: Surviving Restaurants

He Won't Be Smiling When He Sees The Bill

As any good Tight Fister knows, it is imperative to avoid restaurants at all costs; especially those high class establishments with crazy bells and whistles like 'table service'. But unfortunately, we all sometimes find ourselves in an unavoidable restaurant situation. For instance, say you are out of food and your local grocery store has been firebombed by Martians, or you have been kidnapped by mentally unstable Zagat-huggers. Or maybe you're just vainly (stupidly) trying to impress some spendy member of the opposite sex.

But fear not, The Tight Fist is here to help you through this difficult situation with my step-by-step restaurant survival guide.

1. Ordering drinks. The first thing that fancy waiter-having restaurants will do is ask you what you want to drink. There is only one answer: TAP WATER. This sounds easy, but waiters love to be sneaky and bring bottled water if you don't specifically insist on tap. If you were hoping to get drunk but arrive at the restaurant sober, you've already screwed up, so don't even bother ordering booze. (See Tip #3 for more details.) And if you are ever at a restaurant where they won't give you tap water, MAKE A SCENE AND WALK OUT! That crap is unacceptable.

2. Appetizers. Right, as if the food wasn't expensive enough, you want to add an extra seven bucks to the bill on some tiny plate that won't even dent your appetite. What, are you made of money? Instead, just eat...

3. Bread. This is the one savior of Tight Fisters everywhere. Make sure you go to restaurants that serve decent bread, and fill up! And don't be embarrassed to ask for an extra basket, even if some snooty waiter gives you a dirty look. As a side note, if you live in one of those terrible countries (Austria, for instance), where they have the gall to put bread on your table then FREAKING CHARGE YOU FOR EVERY PIECE YOU EAT, this is completely out of line. I would recommend a revolution.

You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food! There are so many snails there you can't even see the food!

4. The main course. As this is the only thing you will spend money on, you need to think carefully. Since you now know how to cook, it would of course be absolutely moronic to order anything you could cook at home. Instead, you may as well use the opportunity to order something that would be impossible (or at least extremely difficult) to make a home. For instance, the dumbest thing to order in a restaurant is a steak, as it is easy as hell to cook at home. (Step 1: Put in Hot Pan. Step 2: Flip. Step 3: Eat.) If the Tight Fisters ever took over the world, we would immediately bankrupt all steak houses. Instead, order things that need to be cooked in crazy contraptions (tandoori oven, deep fryer, etc), are freaking frustrating to make (pie), or require crazy ingredients (kangaroo burger?)

Another thing to consider is that some food items have economies of scale, ie the food is difficult to make, but can be made in really big batches. Since it may not make sense for you to do this at home, it is justifiable to order it at a restaurant. For instance, things like lasagna or gumbo are good bets in this category.

5. Dessert. What, you want to be fat AND poor?

6. Paying the Bill. Date a Tight Fister and go Dutch!

Now that wasn't so bad after all, eh?

Tight Fist Tip #13: Beware Needless French Translation

Bar House?

Normally, if you are in the US or some other English-speaking country, you expect most text you encounter to be in English, even if it is talking about some foreign item. For instance, if you go shopping for furniture at Swedish IKEA (which by the way, The Tightfist does not approve), you expect to find signs for beds, shelves, and tables, not sängar, bokhyllor, and tabeller. And if I go to a Greek restaurant for some chicken, I expect to find 'Chicken' on the menu, not freaking κοτόπουλο. I know that this doesn't hold in some immigrant neighborhoods for valid reasons, but that's beside the point.

However, walk around any fancy neighborhood and you are likely to be bombarded with strange, completely unnecessary French translations of all kinds of things. We all know how much the French are obsessed with their own language to the point where they feel other tongues are equivalent to monkeys screeching, but that is not what is going on here. It's not like swarms of wealthy Parisians have invaded all the wealthy enclaves of America to set up their 'bistros' and 'boulangeries'.

No, instead sneaky business owners have discovered some subconscious element of the Anglophone brain that associates hearing French with a rampant desire to throw all of their money away. But come on people, JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS TRANSLATED INTO FRENCH DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD PAY MORE FOR IT. In fact, when you see random French words completely unnecessarily thrust onto a store name or menu iteam, you should be extremely suspicious.

Maître D' Takin' Yo Money

Now, I don't speak a lick of French so I'm not in a great position to give examples. But fortunately, my fellow Tight Fister Jake Cooper (who posts as 'Jake' on this blog) has offered to help with some friendly translation. Here we go:

1. In English, "a la carte" means "I hope you already ate, 'cause this ain't coming with any sides or anything." So there's really no reason to bother with a translation, but I will, just because it's so mind-boggling. "A" means "on." And "la carte" means "the menu." Dead serious.

2. Hors d'oeuvres means appetizer, but you have to pay extra for the spell-check.

3. Maitre D isn't even sensical. It means "master of." Master of WHAT?

4. When you see "aubergine" and think it's some exotic French counterpart to the eggplant, you're half right. It is French. It means "eggplant."

5. Soup du jour? Why is this in a conspicuously different language than the rest of the menu, did it get lost? And why is it $6.95 for a cup of friggin' soup? No shit it's soup of the day!

Thanks Coop.

Tight Fist Tip #12: Stop Being a Drug Addict

Beware Dangerous Junkies!

If you have just read the title of this article and are now looking doubtfully at your primed syringe of heroin, I'm not sure I can be of much use at this point. Maybe some of my hard-core drug user fans were using this blog as a way to save pennies toward the next fix, but I think you guys are missing the point.

Instead, let's focus on caffeine. Coffee drinkers of the world, man up and face the facts: YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT. And if you are reading this blog, YOU ARE NOT RICH ENOUGH TO BE A DRUG ADDICT. In today's society it is only socially acceptable to be a drug addict if you are a stock broker, rock star, or prep school trust fund baby. (Also, you have to be white.)

Thank The Addicts for Free Bathrooms Around the Globe

And if you are the type who pops into Starbucks or Costa every day to get your drug fix, you are failing at life. Only a complete moron would a) get addicted to drugs and then b) choose the most expensive way possible to consume such drug. While I'm sure that the highly trained 17-year-old 'Master Barista' at your local Starbucks is really good at pressing buttons on the coffee machine, something tells me you could figure that crap out at home. Man, these cafes have really got it figured out. If only I could find some addictive but socially acceptable drug to peddle on every street corner that would be sweet. (Any ideas? These dudes already stole my best one.)

And really, if you were going to be a drug addict couldn't you pick something more fun than caffeine anyway? I mean, I know some people love to be all jittery and awake, but if I was paying four bucks a cup I would expect at least a bit of euphoria.

Finally, if you are a nicotine addict don't think you are off the hook. I just thought picking on you would be too easy, like challenging a paraplegic to one-on-one.

Tight Fist Cooking Guide

Tight Fist Chefs Worldwide!

As promised in my last post, I'm going to share my tried-and-true methods of getting full on the cheap.

Let's start with some theory. If you are a small female or some other bird-like eater, it may be pretty easy to eat cheaply, since you don't really consume anything anyway. But for us eaters in the crowd, making sure you can get full is a bit more of a challenge. First step? Discard any notion that a real meal consists of a big hunk of meat. Yes, I also truly love tearing into a gigantic piece of flesh, but if you are rich enough to eat steak every night I would hope you are doing better things than sitting here learning how to be a cheapskate (snorting coke off of a stripper's boobs maybe?) Instead, you are poor, and therefore the base of the meal and the bulk of your calories will have to come from cheap carbs. This generally means rice or pasta, but could also be potatoes, bread, dumplings, etc.

Oooh, I hope it's filled with rice!

Next, you'll need to make some sort of delicious topping to eat with said carbs. Then, depending on how broke you are, you can adjust the carb/sauce ratio and the amount of meat in the sauce. But remember, the 'meals' below are really just flavoring for the carbs. But it's cool because your carb topping is going to be amazing. Now, for the technique.

Core Ingredients:

A lot of some starch (Rice, Pasta, Etc)
Onions
Garlic
Tomatoes (Generally canned)
Meat (The real tightfist plans what meat to make for dinner on any given night by finding the stuff in the store that is expiring and marked down. Also, for some reason in the UK turkey is way cheap compared to other meats. And turkey is delicious.)
Assortment of Veggies
Some oil
Well-stocked spice cabinet (Yes, I know spices are expensive but cooking is only going to be sustainable if your food doesn't taste like crap.)

First step, saute some onions and garlic in a little bit of oil. Yes, I know we still haven't decided what we're going to make yet, but it doesn't matter. Onions and garlic make every dish delicious. You can always start by making onions and garlic, and then while they are getting nice and soft you can think about what you actually want to make.

From here, you are just steps away from making tons of delicious options. Here are a few examples:

1. Chuck in some meat, mushrooms, olives, and assorted herbs. Then add a bunch of tomatoes and cook down for a few minutes and you've got a killer pasta sauce that whups the crap out of Prego or Ragu.

2. Throw in some meat, tomatoes, cumin, rice, and hot peppers (I use powdered chipotle) and you've got taco/burrito filling. And if I ever see a Tight Fist reader go near one of those terrible 'fajita kits' that the Brits here love, I will punch you.

3. Chuck in some ginger, soy sauce, and a bunch of meat/veggies, and you've got stir fry. (Another note to the brits: Please, please, please do not destroy your stir-fry by adding one of those ever-popular 'stir-fry sauces' to your meal. Just look at the label- they are like 70% sugar! And they taste like crap!)

4. Add some ginger, meat, tomatoes, veggies, and Indian spices (cumin, tumeric, coriander, chili powder, etc) and you've got curry. Try adding yogurt or coconut milk to mix things up, and say goodbye to greasy Indian takeaway!

5. Chuck in some meat, tomatoes, beans, hot peppers and some water: Welcome to Chili-Town.

There are tons of other things of course, but you get the idea. If it doesn't taste too good, add more spices and salt- salt makes everything taste better.

All of these options take under half an hour to cook, cost less than a couple bucks per person, and leave a maximum of two pots to clean.

And a final note, because I know some of you out there are thinking it: but what if I'm trying to fit into a size 3 in time for bikini season? Then I can't eat carbs like you say, right? Wrong. You lose weight by eating less. So just eat less. (Note: Eating less also saves you money.) And stop taking the freaking elevator!

Man, I'll bet I could write a fantastic diet book.

Tight Fist Tip #10: Learn to Cook

A Valiant Effort

STOP! Move slowly away from the restaurant. And don't even think about ordering in Chinese. This is your bank account, begging on its knees to stop paying exorbitant prices for meals, which everyone knows you could make yourself if you could just once miss your precious half hour of Wheel of Fortune. First step: call mom and have her give you a lesson in operating your long-neglected stove. (Hint: You just turn the freaking knob.)

Here's a fun game that should make you feel guilty every time you go into a restaurant. When you order, try to estimate how much it would have cost for the ingredients at the grocery store. Then hang your head in shame. And cry.

Don't Worry, I Like it Well Done

And let's be clear about something: If you try to cheat by 'cooking' using prepared foods, your wallet will find out. Here in England, the locals have become so inundated with ready-meals (think TV dinners, not frozen but just as devoid of flavor) that they think they deserve some kind of Betty Crocker award when they pour a bottle of fluorescent sauce over grilled chicken and it vaguely reminds them of something they once had at some ethnic restaurant. Yum! Not only is all that crap disgusting and terrible for you, but it is also ridiculously priced.

Let's take a look at some common excuses of why you don't cook, and reveal how incredibly lame they are:

1. "I don't have the time." Oh, will it cut into your precious American Idol time? Or maybe you were going to spend those 30 minutes honing the maximum wit into your new Facebook status? I do apologize.

2. "I'm too tired after a long day." Oh yeah, surfing the internet in your cubicle all day sure is taxing. Careful with that spatula: you wouldn't want to pull a muscle.

3. "I can't cook." Oh, why won't someone put together some really easy idiot-proof instructions on how to make my favorite foods. If only someone could compile exactly how much of each ingredient to use in a dish and then give step-by-step instructions on what to do with them! And if only they could post a billion of these 'recipes' for free on the internet! Sigh... (Note, please do not let me catch you buying a cookbook.)

Still unconvinced? Worried that even Fido will scoff at the dishes that come out of your oven? Fortunately, The Tight Fist is going to make things super-easy for you. I have developed some fool-proof cooking techniques that are easy, quick, cheap, and super-delicious.

So stay tuned for The Tight Fist Cooking Guide, coming out shortly.

Tight Fist Tip #9: Don't Drink Bottled Water

The Picture of a Mountain Makes it Taste Amazing!

Coca-Cola Boardroom, Mid-90s:

Some dude in a ridiculous suit: Bottled water is so hot right now. But damn those Frenchies and their crisp, clear Alps water. How can we compete with that?
Some guy with a toupe: Hey, how do consumers know that Evain comes from some amazing river that must be unlike anything we have in the US? We all know it tastes the same as normal refrigerated water. And lord knows they don't read the bottle; most people can barely read anyway!
SDRS: Oooh, I know! It's the picture of the mountain! Let's just put tap water in a bottle with a picture of a mountain and people will love it!
SGWT: We are so smart I can barely stand it!

And there goes the story about how Coca-cola and Pepsico managed to take something that is free, put it in a fancy bottle with a fancy name (Dasani, Aquafina), and make a bazillion dollars selling it to idiots. To a true Tight Fister, there is nothing worse than buying bottled water; doing so should make you feel simply sinful and unclean. But for those of you who didn't get the memo, here we go:

Memo: STOP BUYING WATER. IT IS FREE. Thanks.

Buying bottled water is so mind-bendingly idiotic that I have very little extra to say about it. (Note that if you live in a country without drinkable tap water, you are exempt from this rule.)

If you or anyone else you know still insists on paying for free things please introduce them to me. I have some very excellent bagged air on sale.

Tight Fist Tip #5: Don't Buy Expensive Sandwiches

At around 12:30 each workday, the predator begins to stalk. The prey: unsuspecting office workers, simply looking for a quick yet delicious bite to eat. They mill about like lemmings. 'I just feel some thing simple today something like a...' AND THEN HE POUNCES!!!! The Seven Dollar Sandwich.

Like a frog in slowly warming water, the poor lunch-breakers of the world have been taken unaware by this once-innocent lunch staple. And who could blame them? A sandwich was once a reliable choice: a couple pices of bread with some meat, cheese, and maybe some veggies in between. It was a staple that you could order quickly and cheaply, without much thought.

But the sandwich makers were sneaky, and began to take advantage. Their trick (similar to those described in the last post) was to deviously change the names of all the standard sandwich ingredients in order to cause mass confusion, panic, and uncontrollable purges of cash. For instance, instead of good old 'Bread' you now have vaguely foreign-sounding options like Ciabatta, Foccacia, or Lavash. And where we used to have reliable lettuce, we now have to choose between chard, romaine, or even sexy options like rocket. Ooooh! Rocket!

[On a side note, I was recently informed by a friend in San Francisco that some sandwiches there cost $15! I am trying to remove this piece of information from my memory because merely considering the fact that people out there are spending $15 on sandwiches is making me a little bit woozy.]

So what are you supposed to do if this is the going rate for sandwiches in your area? Well believe it or not, you don't have to be Gordon Ramsay to reverse engineer your favorite sanwiches. Just in case you're confused, here is a step-by-step guide:

1. Put a bunch of stuff you like on some bread.
2. Put more bread on top.
3. There is no step 3. That's it. Want me to go over it again?

Hungry People: RUN AWAY!!

And finally, I know my fellow Londoners are going to point out there here we don't really have the equivalent of a seven-dollar sandwich. So are all the Pret and Eat drones out here off the hook? Absolutely not. The reason that the local sandwiches here are cheaper is because in America you don't need a microscope to find the sandwich filling. In order to derive the same amount of sustenance out of a Pret sandwich as a Seven Dollar Sandwich back home, you would have to buy three of them and combine all the fillings between two pieces of bread.

You know what, I have better things to do with my time. At least in the US there is no assembly required.

Tight Fist Tip #4: Avoid Products Described With Unnecessary Adjectives

Sorry, I Was Looking For a Half Food

An important clue to easily tell if any product is a rip-off is whether it is described using completely non-informative adjectives. For instance, consider the following boardroom scenario:

Stupid Manager: Gee, we sure aren't going to make much of a profit off of all these dried tomatoes that we need to sell.
Stupid Junior Marketing Guy: Hey, I know, why don't we add a completely useless adjective to describe our product! Then we can totally jack up the price. How about we chuck them out in the sun for a sec then call them 'Sun Dried Tomatoes'?
SM: That would never work! People aren't possibly stupid enough to pay more for tomatoes that were dried in the sun rather than any other way, because there is absolutely no difference.
SJMG: But they will, because they are morons!
SM: Genius! You're promoted!

Yes, completely non-informative adjectives are used in tons of products to trick people into thinking that they are somehow better than other products that don't have these adjectives. But really, you need to just step back and think: do these adjectives give me any more relevant information about the product I am about to buy? If not, you are almost certainly being duped.

The worst offenders in this category are restaurant menus. Every restaurant wants to justify its ridiculous prices by making its dishes look somehow special. For instance, a normal restaurant would serve eggs, toast, and hash browns. But this snooty manhattan restaurant instead chooses to serve:

Baked Farm Eggs two tello's green farm eggs with roasted potatoes, nettle meadow chèvre and thyme, served with amy's toast and best of market greens

For 15 dollars! But this helps us get started in spotting some common restaurant menu trickery. Note that all examples below are taken from actual New York City menus.

1. "Amy's Bread" - I mean, who the hell is Amy? For all I know, she is the busboy's dog. Any food named after some random person is not to be trusted.

2. "Natural Beef" - 'Wow, I was expecting to eat a steak made out of Play-Doh! But, they have beef from real cows here? Amazing!' The word 'natural' used to describe food means nothing.

I only eat burgers that have been heat cooked

3. "Wok-sautéed greens" - Man, if the pan used to cook these greens was flat instead of conical they would have totally sucked!

4. "New Zealand lamb" - Mmmm, I can really taste the...New Zealand?

And finally,

5. "Air-Baked Organic Belgian Fries" - This is wrong on so many levels, but I've got a fiver for anyone who can enlighten me on how it is possible to bake in the absence of air.

You will never look at a menu the same way again. Enjoy!