Tuesday 7 July 2009

Tight Fist Tip #14: Don't Buy New Furniture

Cheap Young Antique!
(Young Human Not Included)

There's a lot of overpriced crap out there, but the furniture prices are really in a league of their own. For instance, a couch is basically a few beams of wood, some springs, and a few cushions, yet can sell for thousands of dollars. I mean, what the hell? But even I am not hard-core enough to advise ditching furniture altogether and start sitting on the floor, so what is one to do?

Well let's start with a simple rule: DO NOT EVER BUY NEW FURNITURE. You see, the most annoying thing about furniture is that it is hard as hell to move around, and this is what creates an opening for Tight Fisters. Since moving furniture is difficult and people are incomprehensibly lazy, there is always tons of awesome, cheap furniture around as long as you can go pick it up! Just check out Craigslist, Gumtree, or whatever, and you can stock up. Only people who hate their money buy new furniture.

IKEA makes me feel so manly

But what about amazing big-box furniture stores like IKEA? Aren't they perfect for the budget-conscious? I mean, the prices are supposed to be like, totally amazing! Well here's some advice: JUST BECAUSE YOU PUT IT TOGETHER YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN IT WAS CHEAP! Instead, you just got ripped off AND lost a day of your life trying to fit round pegs into square holes. I mean, IKEA wouldn't look like a good deal if other places weren't off-the-charts expensive. Being happy with saving money at IKEA is like being thrilled that you scored with the skinniest girl at fat camp.

Finally, let's address the complaint: But won't old, used furniture be crappy and just fall apart? I'd say that all you need is an attitude adjustment, which can be produced with some Madison Avenue wizardy. Next time you are at a garage sale, remember that all pieces of furniture there are simply 'Young Antiques'. As much as snooty morons like paying big bucks for new furniture, they simply love paying insane prices for really, really, old furniture. So really, by buying Young Antiques you're totally outclassing those IKEA losers.

Take that, snooty Swedes.


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  2. You paid money for your own domain name? I feel so confused.