Tight Fist Tip #19: Get Free Haircuts

How Bad Could it Be?

Unless you want to end up like Cousin Itt from the Addam's Family, you're going to need to get your hair cut every now and then. But although haircuts are one of those things that should be really simple (ie, inexpensive), for some reason people have become convinced that this is something they can justify paying tons and tons of money for. And that's not to mention the incredible sexism inherent in the hair industry. Why exactly do womens' cuts usually usually have a base price of double the amount of mens' cuts?

Let's break down some easy steps you can take to cut down on your haircut costs.

I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit.

1. Don't Pay for Haircuts. If you needed to find a doctor to perform open heart surgery, or maybe a lawyer to reduce your life sentence, you'd probably want to ensure that you found a real professional. But last time I checked, cutting with scissors was standard curriculum for kindergartners. I'm not saying that cutting hair doesn't require skills, but it's not exactly rocket science, and the consequences of a slight mishap are pretty low. Odds are you know someone in your social circle who knows how to cut hair, and you would be a fool not to take advantage of this. Buy them a beer, get a haircut, and be happy.

2. Get your hair cut as infrequently as possible. The problem here is that most people make a crucial mistake: they try to get their hair cut to exactly the length that they like best. THIS IS COMPLETELY MORONIC, because it means that seconds after you leave the place, your hair is now too long, and will just continue to get longer and look worse and worse. Instead, the key is to get it cut way shorter than you like it. Then, as time goes on it approaches its desired length, and then goes over. Not to get too nerdy on all of you in the audience, but if we make the simple assumption of symmetry of utility over hair length, getting your hair cut to the shortest length you can possibly tolerate will allow you to get half the amount of haircuts, with the same level of satisfaction.

Super Savers!

Also, stop being such a freaking priss and just learn to deal with cutting your hair short and letting it grow long. Who do you think you are, Jack Donaghy?

3. Keep it Simple. If you're looking for that ever-so-hot Marge Simpson do, Aunt Bertha may not be able to pull that one off for you on the cheap. But if you avoid the temptation to create some ridiculous and unnatural hairstyle, you are saving yourself a ton of hassle. For instance, the simple buzz cut removes any need to pay for haircuts once you get your own razor. And if that's a bit too dramatic for the ladies in the audience, just feel free to let your hair grow and you can have a friend give it a little snip when it gets too long.

If you are thinking that following these tips will prevent you from being really, really incredibly good-looking, get over your yourself. Your vanity will ruin you.

Tight Fist Tip #16: Cut Down On Bathroom Supplies

Bathroom or Chemistry Lab?

(This is part 2 in the 'Stop Buying Crap You Don't Need' series.)

A great strategy by marketers is to somehow convince the general population that some crap they invented should now be considered a necessity of modern life, as opposed to some sort of vain luxury. And there is possibly no sphere where this strategy has been more successful than in your bathroom, which is routinely stocked with tons of basically useless (or at least unnecessary) products that you simply buy out of habit.

As far as I'm concerned, you need three items in your bathroom: toothpaste, toothbrush, and a bar of soap. (If you're the shaving type I guess you can have a razor, but being hairy is cheaper.) Here is a list of other things you may find in a bathroom that are are serving no other purpose than enabling a Proctor and Gamble executive to buy a second yacht:

1. Shampoo. Newsflash: It's just liquid soap, in a different bottle. Try washing your hair with normal soap- it will still be clean.

2. Conditioner. According to various commercials conditioner is supposed to suddenly make you look like a supermodel and make everyone around you want to make out with you. I've tried this stuff before, and no hot chicks have ever tried to make out with me as a result. As far as I can tell, it does nothing.

3. Face Wash. Have you ever seen one of those commercials where some ditzy chick looks into the camera and says something like "Would you use the same soap on your face as blah blah blah?" Well ditzy chick, yes, as last I checked my face is made of skin, just like my whole body. True story: once when I was a teenager I asked a dermatologist about acne and told him I was using a Clearasil Facewash. He just laughed at me and told me to wash my face with soap.

Save the Shaving Cream for More Important Tasks

4. Lotion. Last time I checked, our skin produces oils that keep it at the proper level of moisturization. I'm convinced that lotion users are kind of like crack addicts. If you had never used lotion, you wouldn't think that normal skin was bad at all. But once you started using lotion, you start thinking that your skin is all dry and just need more and more and MORE! (A note to my fellow burn survivors: If you got skin grafts, which kills your pores, you get an exemption.)

And just in case you think I'm picking on the ladies,

5. Shaving Cream. Go ahead, try shaving with just soap and water. Miraculously, it still works.

6. After Shave. This is the supreme leader of useless bathroom crap. While supposedly a disinfectant, you can just wash your face instead. Or just do nothing. Note that, similar to conditioner, aftershave will not cause hot chicks to start making out with you.

Ok, he gets an exemption

7. Deodorant. Do you stink? Well, if so maybe this is ok. But a lot of people just use deodorant unscrupulously- you may as well try cutting it out and see if you start losing friends.

8. Hair Gel. Newsflash: Dudes, hair gel just makes you look like a douchebag.

And finally, can I remind everyone in the audience that you should never buy bathroom products that are advertised as containing food products. Since when is it suddenly cool to spread food all over your body? For instance, while writing this post I saw an advertisement for some hair crap with 'apricot and avocado micro-oils'. Apricot and Avodaco? Isn't that going to attract a pack of locusts or something? I'm pretty sure that apricot and avodcado are the type of thing you want to keep out of your hair, as oppposed to lather into it! And what the hell is a micro-oil? A small oil?

By the way, you can get three bars of soap for like a dollar.