Thursday, 24 June 2010
Any good Tight Fister knows that the only acceptable place to buy stuff is online. And we all know that if you are going to buy something anyway, it's awesome if you get a discount.
Normally, discounts can be quite dangerous, as they can influence the weak among us to buying stupid crap that we don't really need. Optimally, what would happen is that you would choose things that you needed to buy, and would then see if there are any discounts available. In the old days though, that was pretty tough; a store would have to be pretty idiotic to offer discounts once you had already decided to buy some stuff. What's a Tight Fisted shopper to do?
Once again, the internet rides to the rescue! As much as they try, crafty stores cannot keep coupons far away from the checkout in the wonderful world of the internet. Instead, they rely on the fact that most shoppers are COMPLETE MORONS, and therefore will not think to take seven seconds out of their day to Google and see if there is a voucher code available.
Kids, the prescription is simple. Whenever you are purchasing anything online, please just take 10 seconds out of your busy day to google "-name of store- voucher code". Odds are you'll save a cool 10% or more. Just yesterday, I got 50% off a pizza. Sweeeeet.
Monday, 14 June 2010
Dear Tight Fist,
My housemate is a spendaholic. He has a trust fund, and the thing he loves most in the world is spending money. He buys expensive wine, useless gadgets, clothes he hardly ever wears, and orders out for food. I was puzzled for sometime about, what appeared to me, an inconsistency in his behavior. Even though he spends a considerable amount of money to have "nice things", he leaves trash and boxes all over the house. When I go into the dining room, it is always covered in glasses, plates, take-out containers. I was puzzled, why would someone go through so much trouble to have nice things, and then leave trash everywhere.
I think your readers will be interested in my theory of his behavior. The trash is a reminder of the spending, and that makes him feel good, so he is less inclined to pick it up. Imagine the following scenario; you bring home an attractive girl and the next morning after she has gone you notice she left her knickers on your dresser. You might not be inclined to immediately clean them up. The joy of opening a package only lasts so long. So to draw out the joy of spending, the trash must stick around also as a reminder to him and everyone else of the conquest.
Dear Mr Clean,
At first glance, this looks like a terrible situation. Not only do you have a classic messy housemate, but his ridiculous spending is likely to make any Tight Fister's blood boil. However, this situation also presents a number of excellent opportunities.
First of all, since your roommate has tons of crap he doesn't need you should have no guilt mooching off of him. I mean, you never know when you're going to want to eat some waffles, wear brand named clothes ironically, or drink a cold beer from your college-branded kegerator. Plus, it's a well known rule of communal living that food left out is open game.
But that still doesn't solve the messiness problem. The way you do this is to convince Mr. Moneybags to hire a maid and have him pay for it. How the hell are you going to do this? Well, you're going to need to exploit the same weakness that causes the trash in the first place. If you roommate needs physical manifestations of his own spending, a maid can certainly provide that. But not just any maid.
What you need is a skanky maid; there are legit companies that provide this service. If your roommate is the kind of guy whose self esteem is so low that he needs to surround himself by tons of expensive crap, he is exactly the kind of guy who will go apeshit over the prospect of getting hot, topless/scantily clad chicks to do his cleaning. "Dude, hot chicks clean my house! That is so rad! All my friends will think I'm such a pimp! This will be even better than the time I bought that Jaegermeister dispenser or my Hugh Hefner pipe!"
Just make up a flyer with some hot chicks on it and he will totally go for it. Also, make sure to take pictures of your chicks cleaning and put them up around the house so he has constant reminders of his conspicuous consumption. It's not exactly in great taste, but it's better than stacks of old pizza boxes.
As for you, having a few extra scantily clad ladies roaming around your house can never be a bad thing. Just make sure they actually clean.
The Tight Fist
Is your spending out of control? Get Help. Ask The Tight Fist at email@example.com
Friday, 11 June 2010
Dear The Tight Fist,
My problem is I just hate spending money. Oh I indulge in flights to see my children and when I visit or they visit I love spending money on feeding and entertaining them. But when it comes to the old gal it is hard to part with money. I have built up a healthy account in cash, CDs and Mutual Funds but don't want to part with it. I just enjoy seeing all of the money add up.
Am I a miser? I do eat well but enjoy what I call treasure hunting, most all of my clothes come from the Salvation Army or the Parish Thrift shop and I must say I do get lots of compliments on my wardrobe. I view spending money as a game.
Maybe that is my hobby.
First of all let me congratulate you for what seems to be a successful life of Tight Fisting. Stop worrying about whether or not you're a miser and instead bask in the fact that you have successfully warded off consumerism! The mere fact that you don't take pleasure buying expensive consumer goods for yourself means that years and years of constant advertising have failed to turn you to the dark side. Remember, there is nothing to feel guilty about! If you don't enjoy crap that you buy for yourself, then you don't need it.
That being said, it would be a bit of a pity if you are depriving yourself of happiness due to excessive Tight Fisting. Remember, being a Tight Fist is not about self-deprivation. It's instead about finding greater happiness by removing our need for money. If the best way for you to enjoy your money is really just to watch it add up, then you have nothing to worry about.
But is that really the case? Even if you don't take pleasure in buying useless crap, there might be other ways to convert your money into happiness. Maybe a nice vacation? Or a big charitable gift? I've got a feeling there has to be something more exciting that just waiting for the next bank statement to be bigger than the last.
The best part about being a Tight Fister is that you know you can easily live without much money. So if you blow a bunch of your cash on an around-the-world ticket or a new wing for the local hospital, you can feel secure knowing that your quality of life won't be diminished by your newfound relative poverty.
One last thing: anyone who calls you a miser is just jealous because they are poor from years of profligate spending. Screw them.
Wow, did I really just recommend to someone that they spend MORE money? Strange days indeed...
The Tight Fist
Frugality getting you down? Email The Tight Fist: firstname.lastname@example.org