Ask The Tight Fist: Avoiding and Evading Taxes

Dear Tight Fist,

The single biggest chunck that comes out of my paycheck every month is taxes. Instead of teaching me how to look and feel like a hungry moron riding his bike around in cheap pants with a roll of homemade sushi, how about some tax advice on how to beggar state and federal governments by setting up some offshore accounts 'n' shit?

Sincerely,

Horatio L Wigglesworth


What do I look like, an accountant? But OK Mr. Wigglesworth, I'm going to help you out anyway. First of all, with a name like 'Horatio L. Wigglesworth' I'm going to assume that you come from some snooty old money family, because only rich snobs would be audacious enough to name a child Horatio. So, being insanely rich, you should follow in the steps of Carnegie, Rockefeller, Gates, etc, and shovel your money into some 'philanthropic' trust. I'm pretty sure that all you have to do is start a foundation dedicated some amazing cause that you are ever-so-passionate about and funnel all your money into this foundation. Then just graft money from the foundation tax-free! Plus, since the general public isn't really intelligent enough to realize that the only reason you are doing this is to exploit a tax loophole, they will conveniently forget all the souls you crushed while amassing your fortune and instead remember you for the lollipops you give out to disabled children.

For instance, you could take a page from the book of those selfless angels who run IKEA. Did you know that every time you shop at IKEA all your cash goes not to evil CEOs but instead to a charity? And not just any charity, but a charity dedicated to the extremely important long-neglected cause of “innovation in the field of architectural and interior design”. And all of your IKEA shopping 'contributions' (combined with the virtually non-existent giveaways of the foundation) have made it arguably the richest foundation in the world (with around $36 billion in assets). Such saints!

A Passionate Army of Philanthropy

But what about tips for the rest of us, who are not rich enough to start phony foundations? Well, the first mistake you make is paying some 'professional' to do some data entry into tax software for you. Sure, maybe if you have three of your own businesses and twelve offshore accounts it would make sense to hire an accountant, but then you're certainly too rich to need my advice anyway. In fact, if you're truly poor you can fill out online tax returns for free and it takes like 30 minutes.

And for your tax bill itself? Well to be honest, for most of you average Joe's out there there is not too much you can do. You just need to get over it and realize that your post-tax pay is your pay and that's it.

But if that's not satisfactory, you'll have to follow the true way of The Tight Fist, who has personally not paid any taxes over the past three years. Here's my personal strategy in four easy steps:

1. Quit your lame, soulless, high-paying job.
2. Move to a country where scholarships are tax-free (such as the UK)
3. Get a scholarship and head back to school.
4. File tax returns only when W feels like sending you a check.

Too radical for you Mr. Wigglesworth? Well, if you really understood the ways of The Tight Fist you would know that slashing your paycheck by two thirds and living the frugal lifestyle is the only way to true liberation. You hear lots of people claim they are going to quit their job and move to a foreign country to work for a pittance, which would of course reduce their tax bill to zero. (Take that Uncle Sam!) But inevitably they come up with excuse after excuse and delay after delay and it never happens. Know anyone like that Mr. Wigglesworth?

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Are you wasting your money without pause? The Tight Fist can help you. Email him at thetightfist@google.mail.com

Ask The Tight Fist: Splurging on Sushi

Just One Piece, Just One Paycheck

Dear The Tight Fist,

The recent comment by Anonymous on your "Group Dinners" column talked about tapas, stating "Also, it seems like the Tight Fist should take a stand against tapas, if he hasn't already. Now that's a good way to empty your wallet while staying hungry!"

This made me think of delicious, delicious sushi. No matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry afterward, and my wallet is left empty! How do I reconcile my desire for this awesome-tasting dining choice without breaking the bank? Does this fall into the category of stuff that truly is worth it, even if it is a bit expensive, and hence one of the ultimate reasons for tight-fisting in the first place?

Keep in mind that the The TightFist once treated yours truly to the most expensive sushi dinner he's ever had...

Nat

Dear Nat,

Come on, don't be such a cheapskate! Feel free to treat yourself to delicious, expensive, unfilling delicacies like tapas and sushi whenver you'd like. I mean, you only live once. Who needs to be full? Spoil yourself!

There you go Nat, is that what you were hoping to hear? What's next, do you want my encouragement that it's ok to splurge on 50-yr old scotch? Or would you like my advice on the best bling to put in your new grill?

Have you been ignoring my advice all these months? Because if you had been listening, you'd know that this crap doesn't fly. The following quote pretty much sums it up: "No matter how much I eat, I'm always hungry afterward, and my wallet is empty." Look Nat, next time you feel like being hungry after dinner, why don't you just skip the part where you blow your paycheck? Last time I checked, starving yourself is still usually free. And if you're really desperate to part with some cash, you can always contribute to the worthy Tight Fist Foundation. (Donations accepted via PayPal at thetightfist@googlemail.com.) Moral of the story: eating is supposed to make you full, and any eating style that doesn't accomplish this basic task needs to get dumped from the routine.

And for those of you who are thinking, "But I love sushi, and I can afford it," THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT THIS BLOG? You are obviously either too rich or too dense for frugality lessons.

Desperate To Get Full Off Of Sushi, Big Jonny Had To Sell A Kidney

But ok buddy, I'm not going to leave you hanging. The obvious answer, which has of course already been covered before, is just to make the sushi yourself. While I know sushi is probably a bit different than what you'd normally cook, let's be honest here: it is just a piece of raw fish plopped on some rice. I'm pretty sure you can handle that. Sure you have to buy expensive sushi-grade fish, but overall it's going to be way cheaper than a restaurant (and you may even stand a chance of getting full.)

But my personal strategy for enjoying sushi? Get someone else to pay for it! Yes, every now and then we all get the opportunity to have a nice meal on someone else's dime. Think business expense accounts, someone owing you a meal, parents taking you out, etc. Every time one of these opportunities comes up I have one thought: delicious, delicious sushi.

So Nat, you made a smart move opting for sushi when some poor sap (me) owed you a nice meal. But aside from that, steer clear.

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Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Ask The Tight Fist: Group Dinners

Team Tight Fist? You Had Better Hope.

Dear Tight Fist,

The team, including my ride, decides to go to a post-tournament dinner on Sunday. At a brewpub. The cheapest thing on the menu is an $11 burger. Before we even sit down, a teammate sets the tone by ordering four $18 pitchers and three $9 appetizers "for the table." What do I do?

-Frugal Teammate

Dear Frugal Teammate-

This is seriously a nightmare situation that is going to require some deep plays from the Tight Fist playbook. There is nothing more frustrating than being forced into outrageous purchases made by some idiot just because that bastard 'assumed' that you also love to throw all your money away.

First things first- you need to get away from that hellish $99 bill. The only way to do this? Get the hell out of there...sneakily. Everyone will just assume that you are going to the bathroom, but you really will be jetting out of the restaurant and finding some reasonably-priced carry-out place. Then you just come back to the restaurant with your food and tell your friends you had an deep unavoidable urge for Subway or McDonald's or whatever. Bill avoided!

And if the waiter gives you crap about bringing in your own food, I would suggest the 'start a scene approach'. One idea: Fake allergy! "Sir, I am deathly allergic to polysorbontic compounds. Can you guarantee that all your food is polysorbontic free? I didn't think so. So if I eat your food I could die. Do you want me to die? Now get the hell out of here." Make sure to be loud and disturb other customers, so the waiter will just want to do anything necessary to shut you up. Done and done.

Hey, What Asshole Ordered The Faberge Omelette?

But what if there are no other food options nearby, and you don't have the willpower to sit there and consume nothing? Well, then you have to make the eternal choice: food or booze. This should be a no brainer, as we all know that ordering food and booze simultaneously is moronic. Pick one and join in, but make sure it is publicly known that you are not consuming the other (and therefore not responsible for that part of the bill.) Some example excuses for why you're not eating:

• "I only eat my food in bar form"
  
• "I have an eating disorder"
  
• "I have explosive diarrhea"
  
• "I'm trying to starve my parasite"
  

And why aren't you drinking?

• "God hates booze"
  
• "I have only one kidney"
  
• "I am worried I will try to make out with you"
  
• "I'm an alcoholic"
  
• "Because of my happy pills"
  

As for your 'friend', you need to make sure you return the favor by putting him in an awkward situation where he is obliged to spend money against his will. I would suggest the good old 'order pizza for delivery to his house trick'. Every week.

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Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Ask The Tight Fist: Man Accessories

Personal Question: Does this tie make me look cool?

Dear The Tight Fist,

Society keeps telling me that I need to accessorize my"business" attire with ludicrously impractical things like a "tie", "belt", and even "underpants". What do I tell society?

Miserly yours,
The Traveler

Dear Traveler,

If everyone in your office wore diamond-encrusted pendants, would you do it too? If they wiped their asses with hundred dollar bills would you be tempted to comply? Unfortunately I fear you would, as there is something about office life that sucks away all individuality. But Traveler, I think it’s about time you grew a pair. Just because everyone else in the office is blowing a chunk of their paycheck on vestigial man-accessories does not mean it is necessary, or even vaguely justified for you to do so as well. Let’s take a look at some specific examples:

Ties: I am still baffled how tying a colored noose around your neck ever became the norm of formal attire, but this is truly unacceptable. The sad thing is that, in almost all circumstances, a tie isn’t actually required; people just wear it because everyone else wears them. So stop being such a sissy follower and drop the noose.

Perfect way to say "I don't love you"

Belts: Last time I checked, unless you bought a pair of pants three sizes too big, they aren’t going to spontaneously fall off. So does this mean that all the businessmen of the world are too dumb to buy pants that fit? Or maybe they are all competing in cut-throat intra-office ‘Biggest Loser’ competitions? While I wouldn’t put it past them, this is not the case. Instead, they are once again just trying to fit in with the crowd.

Cufflinks: Wait, you always have the latest Crackberry, but you find modern button technology unintelligible? Give me a break.

Underwear: Well, sorry to break it to you but underpants are actaully a Tight Fist's friend. See, if you wear underwear then you can get away with wearing one pair of pants over and over. But if you wear both new underwear and new pants every day, you are just being moronic.

Unless you work for some ridiculously prissy company, you are not going to be fired for bending fashion norms. So just drop the accessories- no one will even notice.

On a related note, just remember that buying a man a tie for a present is the perfect way to say ‘While I was obliged to buy you a present, I really don’t give a crap about you at all.’

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Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com.