Ask The Tight Fist: Ducking Out of Sequels and Other Crappy Movies

Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season. An Instant Classic.

Dear The Tight Fist,

What do you do when all your friends are going out to see "Last of the Mohicans VI: You Thought It Was The Last?"

This is one of the most classically annoying situations. They say,"I know the movie is bad, but I'll just turn my brain off and it will be fun." But I'm thinking, "Dude, couldn't I numb my brain at home for free by watching the infomercial channel?" But I don't want to spend my Saturday night at home alone- what do I do?

Le Piano Man
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Similar to the group dinner scenario described earlier, it can be a bummer when your crappy free-spending friends try to sucker you into wasting your money just to be part of the group. The long term scenario is clear: GET SOME NEW FRIENDS! Seriously, your life will be miserable if you surround yourself with money-wasting friends, because then you're always going to have to make the decision between spending money or being bored and alone.

But folks, there is really no reason to ever drop cash on seeing a crappy movie just so you can hang out with your lame friends. I mean, you don't even interact with your friends when you're seeing a movie anyway. So what the hell is the point of throwing away your money just to be bored in the presence of their body heat?

Transformers 4 Is Still In Early Stages

But don't worry, you can still make a night out of it. Have your friends pick you up like normal, and have all the 'crazy fun' that you kids have in the car nowadays. Experience the joy of the parking lot, and the scenic walk into the theater. But before you buy the tickets for "Transformers 4: Attack Of The Killer Segways", just hang back and tell your friends you'll catch up. Then bust out the trusty book (that you of course got from the library), and enjoy a free evening having way more fun than you would inside. When they come out, join up again for the obligatory post-movie fun of talking about how terrible the movie was. (Note, I'm sure you can join this conversation by just watching the terrible advertisements. "Hey, remember when Eddie Murphy farted? Hilarious!!!!")

Then, go find some real freaking friends. Maybe a Tight Fist social network is in order?

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Have questions about frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Ask The Tight Fist: Group Dinners

Team Tight Fist? You Had Better Hope.

Dear Tight Fist,

The team, including my ride, decides to go to a post-tournament dinner on Sunday. At a brewpub. The cheapest thing on the menu is an $11 burger. Before we even sit down, a teammate sets the tone by ordering four $18 pitchers and three $9 appetizers "for the table." What do I do?

-Frugal Teammate

Dear Frugal Teammate-

This is seriously a nightmare situation that is going to require some deep plays from the Tight Fist playbook. There is nothing more frustrating than being forced into outrageous purchases made by some idiot just because that bastard 'assumed' that you also love to throw all your money away.

First things first- you need to get away from that hellish $99 bill. The only way to do this? Get the hell out of there...sneakily. Everyone will just assume that you are going to the bathroom, but you really will be jetting out of the restaurant and finding some reasonably-priced carry-out place. Then you just come back to the restaurant with your food and tell your friends you had an deep unavoidable urge for Subway or McDonald's or whatever. Bill avoided!

And if the waiter gives you crap about bringing in your own food, I would suggest the 'start a scene approach'. One idea: Fake allergy! "Sir, I am deathly allergic to polysorbontic compounds. Can you guarantee that all your food is polysorbontic free? I didn't think so. So if I eat your food I could die. Do you want me to die? Now get the hell out of here." Make sure to be loud and disturb other customers, so the waiter will just want to do anything necessary to shut you up. Done and done.

Hey, What Asshole Ordered The Faberge Omelette?

But what if there are no other food options nearby, and you don't have the willpower to sit there and consume nothing? Well, then you have to make the eternal choice: food or booze. This should be a no brainer, as we all know that ordering food and booze simultaneously is moronic. Pick one and join in, but make sure it is publicly known that you are not consuming the other (and therefore not responsible for that part of the bill.) Some example excuses for why you're not eating:

• "I only eat my food in bar form"
  
• "I have an eating disorder"
  
• "I have explosive diarrhea"
  
• "I'm trying to starve my parasite"
  

And why aren't you drinking?

• "God hates booze"
  
• "I have only one kidney"
  
• "I am worried I will try to make out with you"
  
• "I'm an alcoholic"
  
• "Because of my happy pills"
  

As for your 'friend', you need to make sure you return the favor by putting him in an awkward situation where he is obliged to spend money against his will. I would suggest the good old 'order pizza for delivery to his house trick'. Every week.

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Have problems with frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com. Don't be shy.

Tight Fist Tip #3: Prepartying and Drinking on The Cheap

One of the greatest drain on the finances comes from a night on the town. Not only are bars usually hellishly expensive to begin with, but when you take into account buying drinks for the opposite sex, reciprocating unwanted rounds and inebriated decision making, things can spin out of control quickly. While the easiest way to beat these problems is to just avoid going out entirely, that is not exactly realistic. Fortunately, the Tight Fist has some time-honored tactics to get you nice and drunk without going broke.

Let's start with the basics. Has anyone ever told you not to drink on an empty stomach? THAT PERSON WAS A LYING IDIOT WHO WANTS YOU TO DIE POOR. In fact, you should only drink on an empty stomach. The logic is very clear: you want to get a bit tipsy, eating food means it takes more alcohol to get tipsy, so eating simply costs you money. So next time you are thinking of getting a bite to eat before hitting the bars, just realize that you are flushing money down the toilet. Plus since booze has plenty of calories, skipping dinner prevents you from getting even fatter.

But what about those tiny people who would get drunk off two sips on an empty stomach, shouldn't they eat? NO! These people are the luckiest people on earth, and should not waste their wonderful circumstance. Instead, they should get together in a group, buy one frilly cocktail and all get wasted for pennies! Lucky bastards!

And what if you don't actually want to feel the effects of alcohol, and want to have a nice, sober night of drinking? WELL THEN DRINK WATER YOU MORON, and stop pissing your money away.

And for the really hard-core Tight-Fisters out there? Try donating blood before a night on the town! Besides being a good public citizen, you will also get wasted for super-cheap!

Next, let me introduce you to two more tricks that both rely on a well-known fact: buying booze at supermarkets is way cheaper than buying them when out, but fortunately it does the job just as well.

First of all, don't even consider hitting the bars sober- ever. Instead, make sure you pre-party heavily. Then you can go out, nurse one beer the whole night, and barely dent your wallet. And if there's not time for proper pre-partying, you can always improvise: get a bottle at a local liquor store and hit that baby in the parking lot.

Next, let me introduce you to your new best money-saving friend, the flask.

Put It Down Your Pants

Yes, if you fill up a flask with your liquor of choice, it will be your best friend all evening, keeping you going for free while your buddies blow all their cash. If you want to be really sophisticated, you can buy a coke at the bar and then covertly mix it with the contents of your flask. (Note that this strategy is especially useful at baseball games. Never buy a seven-dollar beer again!) And if you're worried about getting caught with the flask going into a club or sporting event, just stick it down your pants!

And finally, a little note for the guys out there. Under no circumstances should you ever buy a drink for a girl you don't know in an attempt to get in their pants. The strategy is foolish, money-wasting, and unlikely to succeed. And even worse, it just rewards devilishly deviant gold-digging behavior. Solidarity, Tight Fisters!

Happy Boozing!