Saturday 16 May 2009

Tight Fist Tip #1: Get Rid of That Gym Membership

One thing that mystified we Jews for years is the modern obsession with the gym. I mean, it has always been a mystery to me why people think it is a good idea to cough up a ton of cash to go to these dimly-lit, terrible-smelling hellholes.

Now let’s not be confused: I’m certainly not suggesting that you should give up exercise. No, Mr. Potbelly and Mrs. Thunderthighs, I do not have some magic recipe for getting you laid without getting in shape. But seriously, anyone with an ounce of common sense should realize that gyms are totally useless; as it is insanely easy to exercise for free, spending money so you can exercise is completely unjustifiable. And please don’t get me started on all of you who take elevators, stand on escalators, take taxis for four blocks, etc before going to the gym. IF I EVER AGAIN SEE SOMEONE TAKE AN ELEVATOR/ESCALATOR TO GET TO A STAIRMASTER AGAIN I AM GOING TO BLOW A GASKET!

Still confused? Well, let’s take some of the more popular gym activities in order to deconstruct them further.

1. Treadmill: You have got to be kidding me. With 148.847x10^6 km^2 of the earth’s surface to explore, there is no excuse.

2. The Stairmaster: I am willing to bet that you have stairs in your house, in your office, and probably in numerous other places you go all the time. If you want to get a stair workout, run up some real goddamn stairs. AND STOP TAKING ELEVATORS/ESCALATORS, YOU LAZY ASS!

3. That elliptical thing: This machine is designed as an excuse for chicks to wear hotpants and gyrate for hours, which I can only assume that the users of these machines want to do all the time but it is generally not socially acceptable. This gizmo provides absolutely no level of exercise.

No Exercise in Sight
4. Weights: That’s right, you just spent $50 per month for access to large pieces of metal to lift above your head. Bravo. Believe it or not, there are heavy objects all over the place that you can move about for free, if that's what really floats your boat. You can probably find some of them in your very own house. Milk Gallons? Chairs? Rocks? The list goes on and on. And if that is too difficult, how about lifting your own flabby self and do a push-up? Amazingly, this 'vintage' exercise method is still effective.

5. Aerobics Classes: If you really want, I'm pretty sure I saw some old Richard Simmons videocassettes in the bargain bin of my local video store, but is that even necessary? Can't you figure out how to do jumping jacks and run in place without instruction?

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. One more thing though: If you wanted to get really radical and get exercise in a way that wasn’t soul-destroyingly boring, try taking up a sport. And no, golf does not count.

There you go, fifty bucks a month saved already. Don’t spend it all in one place.

1 comment:

  1. I'm with you on some of it, but don't shit on the elliptical. Some of us have killer knee problems, and it's one of the only decent low impact workouts that can burn a lot of calories in a short time (aside from swimming).