Tight Fist Tip #44: Get Married...Or Divorced

Ok Guys, No Need To Brag

Hey wouldn't it be cool if you could go to the courthouse and fill out some measly paper that would save you hundreds or even thousands of dollars on your tax bills? Well there is, but sneaky tax collectors don't want you to know about it! See, there is this little-known document known as a 'Marriage Certificate' that's pretty cheap to get that is basically a coupon for a big tax deduction. While specific tax rules vary by country, this trick is going to work in all kinds of places that have progressive tax systems. The only catch is that you need a partner to sign up, and in redneck countries (like the US) that partner needs to be of the opposite sex.

Why does this crazy 'Marriage Certificate' exist? From what I understand, it has to do with some vestigial concept of love and coupling that was popular in colonial times. I'm not really sure what that's all about, but for some reason it still exists in the tax code for Tight Fisters to take advantage of.

The Art of Deduction

Now, this trick isn't going to work for everyone. The reason the tax deduction exists is because when you get married the sum of your income and your partner's income is used to calculate the tax rate. In a progressive tax system (which most countries have), this means you will pay a greater percentage of your income once you are married. To dull this blow married couples get a bigger tax deduction. But if one partner doesn't work or makes very little, getting married will not bump you up a bracket but you will get the higher deduction. Score! So if you are a big earner, find a slacker without a job to marry for the biggest payday. If you are a slacker, find a money maker and agree to split the difference to get some free moola from Uncle Sam.

Plus, if you live in a backward country without public health care (like the US), this magical Marriage Certificate allows you to get on your partner's job-sponsored health insurance, which costs way less than buying it yourself. Double score!

And what if you make some good money and want to marry someone similarly income-heavy? Well don't, dufus! But fortunately, if you've already made stupid decision, undoing your mistake is super-easy. Again, just hop on down to the courthouse and undo your screw-up (it's called a 'divorce'). See, wasn't that easy?

Man, keeping money away from the taxman has never been so easy. But don't blow it all on your wedding, ok?

By the way, thanks to Barbara for this tip. Can't wait for your wedding!
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Questions about frugality? The Tight Fist can help. thetightfist@googlemail.com

Ask The Tight Fist: Buying Flowers For The Ladies

In The Old Days, Women Were Far More Self Sufficient

Dear The Tight Fist,

I was on the train today when a man sat down next to me with a load of flowers in his arms. This was not your average dozen roses, this was more flowers then I have ever seen. Seriously, I am not exaggerating, he had an entire tropical ecosystem in his lap!! I could not help but shake my head at the sheer waste of this venture, mentally try to think about whether or not this arrangement cost more then my rent this month, wonder how bad this guy messed up to have to show up with this, and wished you were present to give this guy a harsh tongued scolding at the wastefulness of his actions.

Now, I can't say that I am innocent of buying flowers; no man is. Girls are conditioned to want and expect flowers at certain intervals in a relationship. It's just so pointless!! Any thoughts about the pointless gift that is flowers, or other stupid presents we are conditioned to purchase? Any cheap and easy gift ideas that won't get you banished to pas-de-sex-ville?

James
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Dear James,

This flower craziness is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with. While maybe not as bad as the female's insatiable lust for diamonds, flowers are pretty frustrating. You can rationalize all you want about flowers being pointless and just wilting in a day or two, but you have to remember that females are not rational creatures, so trying to use logic is the first step on the way to pas-de-sex-ville. But here are some tips to dull the pain:

When giving flowers be sure not to give ones associated with funerals (Actual CNN Caption)

1. Keep the Expectations Away From Material Objects. If your ladyfriend gets jewellery, flowers, etc on early in the relationship, you are then forever screwed. Instead, if you are in a position where you have to give a gift, give a service, like planning a fun day out, cooking a nice dinner, or creating a totally creepy romantic homage website (see examples here, here, and here.) If your lady is worth a scratch she will appreciate these things more anyway.

2. Never Buy Roses on Valentines Day. Anyone who has ever made the foolish decision to buy roses on or around Valentines day knows the horror of Valentine's Day price gouging. If you think that simply ignoring flowers on V-Day is going to cause you serious pain, try this idea. Surprise your significant other with roses (and whatever other romantic crap you were planning) a week early. Not only will you benefit from the cheaper prices, but you get bonus points for surprise!

3. Never Buy From The Florist. As mentioned in an earlier post, it is never a good idea to buy at stores that sell only one type of thing, and florists are really the worst. Remember, if you tell him "just make me a nice bouquet", he will hear, "make me a bouquet that will put your daughter through college". At most decent supermarkets you can get nice bouquets for just a few bucks. Or even better...

4. Just Go Foraging. Dude, flowers totally grow out of the ground. Just roll up to your local meadow (or the yard of that creepy old lady down the street) and you can have a killer bouquet in no time.

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Questions about frugality? Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com

Dating Tips For The Guys

Might As Well Be Honest

There are many strong men among us who usually dutifully follow the code of Tight Fisting, but have a painful Achilles Heel when it comes to the fairer sex. You may be happy to cook rice and ride a bike for yourself, but as soon as a tall, curvy seductress comes in the picture you're booking the taxi to the Michelin restaurant. Shame on you! Every good Tight Fister knows that you don't have to spend money to impress the opposite sex, and that doing so will only bring you sorrow.

Remember this: if you start buying things for a girl at the beginning of a relationship she will start to expect them, and you are forever screwed. And the second you stop you're going to confront those dreaded words that no man wants to hear: "Is something wrong?"

Here are some specific tips on how to date Tight Fist style.

1. First Date, Cheap Restaurant.: One a first date, never go to a fancy restaurant. This is important because the girl needs to know from step one that you're not going to be buying her fancy dinners every Saturday night. Since it's the first date social conventions may force you to foot the bill, so no point in blowing the bank on a girl you barely know. And don't even think about taking her to the cinema. Why the hell should you pay twenty quid to sit in the dark and not talk?

If She Can't Appreciate the Golden Arches on a First Date, She Doesn't Deserve a Second One

2. Split the check.: Sure, on a first date the man is expected to offer to pay the bill. But if your date doesn't offer to split it, alarm bells should go off. She gets one more chance: if she pulls a classy move and picks up the check on the second date, she's off the hook. Otherwise, just stop calling. She knows why.
3. Don't Buy Her Jewlery. The last signal you want to give any girl is that you support spending lots of money on completely useless things. Next thing you know she's going to want a honey dipper.
4. Never Buy A Random Girl Drinks. Under no circumstances should you ever buy a drink for a girl you don't know in an attempt to get in their pants. The strategy is foolish, money-wasting, and unlikely to succeed. And even worse, it just rewards devilishly deviant gold-digging behavior.

But what if you follow these rules above and get dumped? That's great! Because then you have successfully exposed your lame girlfriend as a money-grubbing bitch, and the sooner you find that out the better. If you find a girl who is cool with your frugal ways, you're saved yourself loads of misery.

Another great advantage of these strategies is that if every now and then you can break your rules and buy your girl a little something nice, she will go absolutely crazy. Yup, instant good will was never so easy.
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This was supposed to be my third column for The London Student, but it looks as if the powers of mindless political correctness have killed the column for the time being. Thanks to the editors of The London Student for fighting the good fight, but it looks like they have lost. But don't worry, the site will go on. Questions? thetightfist@googlemail.com.

Stay tuned for the next article, where I'll follow up with some more specific advice about another vice: flowers.