Tight Fist Tip #39: Never Take a Taxi

Look Mom, I'm Wasting Money Like A Real New Yorker!

There are few things in this world as that turn The Tight Fist's stomache more than taxi. In most Western cities, modern society has graciously given us public transport, which whisks people around the city cheaply and efficiently. Oh, and I almost forgot: we are also endowed with legs, which are a pretty good way to get around. (My apologies to any readers who don't have legs. You're off the hook here.)

But no, that's not good enough for those rich 'time is money' jackasses. They want their own private, chaeuffer-driven rentals cars to clog our roadways and mow over the proletariat on their weenie bicycles. The rest of us poor, weak souls are then tempted by the constant specter of convenient yet expensive transport.

But surely there are some times when a cab is justified, right? Well, I'm not so sure. Let's take a look at some common situations in which weak people break down and get taxis.

1. I'm drunk and I want to go home! Suck it up big boy, and take the night bus. Plus, if you're drunk late at night far away from home that probably means you already drank this week's paycheck. If you were following the Tight Fist's drinking advice, all your boozing would have taken place before you got the bar, so by leaving time you should be sobered up a bit. But no, you didn't listen to me did you? Way to go. Plus, according to the incredibly disturbing ad that I am forced to watch before every movie here in London, if you get into the wrong cab late at night you are likely to get violently raped.



2. What if I'm at the airport in some weird city, and I have 12 gigantic 17th-century style trunks full of luggage? First of all, if you have more luggage than you can carry you don't deserve to be traveling and I will waste no more time on you. Next, if you're in any developed country there is certain to be public transportation from the airport to the center of whatever city you're going to. And I don't want to hear your whining about jet-lag. Suck it up and get on the bus.

3. I have to go to a very important business meeting. And I'm wearing a suit. There is something about men in suits that makes them think that suddenly their time is the most valuable thing in the world. But we all know that, especially in London, most Suits spend about 20% of their waking hours in the pub, 30% texting to their buddies about how fit the new intern is, and an additional 20% dreaming about being in the pub. So I really think that 10-minute Tube ride isn't going to kill you.

4. What if I'm going to some place so super-secret that no other buses or cars go there and it's really far and it's in the middle of a hailstorm so I can't walk and I have 37 people to pack into the taxi so it won't really be that expensive and oh also this secret place is the most awesome place in the world but it will spontaneously self-destruct if I don't go there right now. Can I take a taxi? Ok you whiner.

Note that one important exception is if you live somewhere where it is not only 44 degrees (Celcius) but also costs under a dollar to get from one side of the town to another in an autorickshaw, doing so is totally justified. (Everyone reading in Ahmedabad can let out a collective sigh of relief.)

But for the rest of you, think twice. Next time I want to spend 10 bucks for 5 minutes of service, I'm going to make sure I get someone a lot better looking than my last cabbie.

Tight Fist Tip #38: Travel to Cheap Countries

Come For The Food and Weather,
Stay For The Low Prices!

Welcome to the second in The Tight Fist's series on traveling. (You can find Part 1 here.) There's a common myth that traveling is expensive, but this is because most people foolishly just jet off to whatever place bought the most billboards in their home town. The great thing about traveling is that if you pick the right place, even poor, frugal, Tight Fisters can live like kings!

Let's think about some 'normal' places where stupid people in the US or UK like to travel, and think about Tight Fist alternatives.

1. Hey, wouldn't it be great if you could go on vacation to a beautiful place with warm weather, mountains, and great parties without ever leaving the comfort of the US? You sure can- it's called California. But for some reason that is beyond comprehension, people decide that it's a phenomenal idea to waste hundreds of extra dollars to instead fly to freaking Hawaii. Five extra hours in the air? Hundreds of extra dollars on the flight? Everything twice as expensive? Annoying pictures or people wearing grass skirts and smiling everywhere? SIGN ME UP!!! If you're going to fly all day, why not head south of the border to sunny, beautiful Ecuador?. It's 25% closer (to Chicago) than Hawaii, and also boasts great beaches, rain forests, and volcanos. And every night is dollar beer night!

I'll Bet That Cost Under A Buck

2. There are some Americans who are a bit more adventurous. They want the immersive cultural experience that can only be found at an all-inclusive beach resort. They can't wait to brag to tell their shocked friends about how they they couldn't drink the water. They want waiters (not just cooks and bus boys) with accents. They want Cancun! There is something especially painful about going to a (relatively) cheap country like Mexico but instead wasting your money (not to mention any remaining shred of decency) at Senor Frogs. But if you ever suddenly awake from hazy stupor and find yourself on a flight to Cancun, fear not! All you have to do is drive up or down the coast from the shudder-inducing isthmus to find little pieces of paradise such as the gorgeous Tulum. Or even better, skip Mexico altogether and head for the Tight Fist paradise of Honduras. Yes, for mere pennies you can plant yourself in a beautiful beach hut, eat fresh fish, drink coconut water, and love life.

3. I can guarantee that if you are a British man aged 30-50 and have a bit of a gut, your idea of absolute paradise is the South of Spain. Where else could you possibly travel abroad and find tons of other pudgy middle-aged British guys to hang out with? And where else would have real British pubs serving real British food (shudder)? And where else could you find real British prices? Quick, run, book those package holidays before they dry up! But if you're in England and you have any sense, you'll realize that for just a few extra pounds you can make your way to India, where you can live like an absolute king. India (where The Tight Fist is curently located) is any Tight Fist's dream. While The Tight Fist generally forbids taxis, the 15-minute ride from my home to my office only cost 35 pence. And while I forbid buying lunch, I'll take my hot curry for under a pound. And my 10p samosas. I will even allow the guy to come to my house every day to clean and do laundry when it only costs 6 pounds for the month. Living like a king, I tell you! Now if they could just get this country a giant air conditioner...

The guidelines are actually pretty simple. If you live in the US, avoid Europe or the Carribean and instead head to Central or South America. The flights will be similar, and your vacation will be awesome and easy on the wallet. If you live in the Europe, get the hell out of the Euro Zone and instead jump to India or Southeast Asia.

Confused which countries qualify as Tight Fist friendly? Here's a rule of thumb. If a beer at a bar costs more than a dollar, you're in the wrong place. Better luck next time!

Tight Fist Tip #37: Always Take A Doggy Bag

Proof of a Hard-Fought Victory!

As I've written earlier, if The Tight Fist ruled the world wasting food would be a crime punishable by denailing. In general, avoiding food waste is pretty simple: just take as much as you need and eat it all. But sometimes restaurants can throw you a loop by serving unexpectedly large portions that you just can't stomach.

Of course the solution is simple: just pack it up in a doggy bag and you've got tomorrow's lunch covered. In most situations, this solves the problem and there is no more to say. But what about the following nightmare scenario:

Dude: Excuse me Mr. Waiter, can I have this packed up?
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, we don't allow that here.
Dude: What do you mean?
Waiter: We love killing animals for fun and then insisting on throwing their cooked flesh into the trash. For us, it is the greatest pleasure on earth. Giving you a doggy bag would deny us this truly magnificent opportunity.
Dude: ...?

I know for my American readers this situation is unimaginable, but in backward countries (such as the UK) it is disturbingly common. How do you deal with such ridiculous insolence? There is only one answer: MAKE A GIGANTIC SCENE. There is nothing snooty resturants hate more than a loud, obnoxious jerk making life miserable for all the other customers. This is an argument you will win. In case you're having trouble, here are some foolproof techniques to save your meal from the trash can.

This Is One Way To Let The Waiter Know You're Serious

1. Start calm, but slowly escalate. "Please give me a doggy bag. It is unacceptable that you won't let me take home my leftovers. I AM GOING TO START THROWING SHIT!"
2. Ask to speak to the manager. Spineless waiters can always hide behind some 'Sorry, but I might get fired if I break policy' type of excuse. But the manager will have to engage your mental chess game. And if you can't win a debate with the assistant manager of Applebees, you don't deserve your doggy bag. In fact, you don't deserve to eat. Ever.
3. Start to Cry. If gentle whimpering isn't doing the trick, kick it up a notch with some heavy wailing. While this is a tried and true tactic for females, it may even be more effective for men given the added shock value.
4. Bring your own tupperware. If you are going to a restaurant that you fear will not pack up your leftovers, take matters into your own hands. Bring your own tupperware and pack it yourself. If anyone at the restaurant complains, calmly explain that they will need to pry the tupperware from your cold dead hands.
5. "You want me to throw away Bambi?"

In all the above situations you should make it abundantly clear that there is no way you are paying for the meal without getting your leftovers. They'll come around eventually.