Ask The Tight Fist: What to Do With A Vain, Messy Housemate

This Man Is Weak, and Can Be Exploited

Dear Tight Fist,

My housemate is a spendaholic. He has a trust fund, and the thing he loves most in the world is spending money. He buys expensive wine, useless gadgets, clothes he hardly ever wears, and orders out for food. I was puzzled for sometime about, what appeared to me, an inconsistency in his behavior. Even though he spends a considerable amount of money to have "nice things", he leaves trash and boxes all over the house. When I go into the dining room, it is always covered in glasses, plates, take-out containers. I was puzzled, why would someone go through so much trouble to have nice things, and then leave trash everywhere.

I think your readers will be interested in my theory of his behavior. The trash is a reminder of the spending, and that makes him feel good, so he is less inclined to pick it up. Imagine the following scenario; you bring home an attractive girl and the next morning after she has gone you notice she left her knickers on your dresser. You might not be inclined to immediately clean them up. The joy of opening a package only lasts so long. So to draw out the joy of spending, the trash must stick around also as a reminder to him and everyone else of the conquest.

Sizzizneerly yizzours,
Mr. Clean
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Dear Mr Clean,

At first glance, this looks like a terrible situation. Not only do you have a classic messy housemate, but his ridiculous spending is likely to make any Tight Fister's blood boil. However, this situation also presents a number of excellent opportunities.

First of all, since your roommate has tons of crap he doesn't need you should have no guilt mooching off of him. I mean, you never know when you're going to want to eat some waffles, wear brand named clothes ironically, or drink a cold beer from your college-branded kegerator. Plus, it's a well known rule of communal living that food left out is open game.

But that still doesn't solve the messiness problem. The way you do this is to convince Mr. Moneybags to hire a maid and have him pay for it. How the hell are you going to do this? Well, you're going to need to exploit the same weakness that causes the trash in the first place. If you roommate needs physical manifestations of his own spending, a maid can certainly provide that. But not just any maid.

What you need is a skanky maid; there are legit companies that provide this service. If your roommate is the kind of guy whose self esteem is so low that he needs to surround himself by tons of expensive crap, he is exactly the kind of guy who will go apeshit over the prospect of getting hot, topless/scantily clad chicks to do his cleaning. "Dude, hot chicks clean my house! That is so rad! All my friends will think I'm such a pimp! This will be even better than the time I bought that Jaegermeister dispenser or my Hugh Hefner pipe!"

Just make up a flyer with some hot chicks on it and he will totally go for it. Also, make sure to take pictures of your chicks cleaning and put them up around the house so he has constant reminders of his conspicuous consumption. It's not exactly in great taste, but it's better than stacks of old pizza boxes.

As for you, having a few extra scantily clad ladies roaming around your house can never be a bad thing. Just make sure they actually clean.

The Tight Fist
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Is your spending out of control? Get Help. Ask The Tight Fist at thetightfist@googlemail.com

Ask The Tight Fist: Old Misers

Giving Tight Fists a Bad Name

Dear The Tight Fist,

My problem is I just hate spending money. Oh I indulge in flights to see my children and when I visit or they visit I love spending money on feeding and entertaining them. But when it comes to the old gal it is hard to part with money. I have built up a healthy account in cash, CDs and Mutual Funds but don't want to part with it. I just enjoy seeing all of the money add up.

Am I a miser? I do eat well but enjoy what I call treasure hunting, most all of my clothes come from the Salvation Army or the Parish Thrift shop and I must say I do get lots of compliments on my wardrobe. I view spending money as a game.

Maybe that is my hobby.

Evelyn
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Dear Evelyn,

First of all let me congratulate you for what seems to be a successful life of Tight Fisting. Stop worrying about whether or not you're a miser and instead bask in the fact that you have successfully warded off consumerism! The mere fact that you don't take pleasure buying expensive consumer goods for yourself means that years and years of constant advertising have failed to turn you to the dark side. Remember, there is nothing to feel guilty about! If you don't enjoy crap that you buy for yourself, then you don't need it.

That being said, it would be a bit of a pity if you are depriving yourself of happiness due to excessive Tight Fisting. Remember, being a Tight Fist is not about self-deprivation. It's instead about finding greater happiness by removing our need for money. If the best way for you to enjoy your money is really just to watch it add up, then you have nothing to worry about.

But is that really the case? Even if you don't take pleasure in buying useless crap, there might be other ways to convert your money into happiness. Maybe a nice vacation? Or a big charitable gift? I've got a feeling there has to be something more exciting that just waiting for the next bank statement to be bigger than the last.

The best part about being a Tight Fister is that you know you can easily live without much money. So if you blow a bunch of your cash on an around-the-world ticket or a new wing for the local hospital, you can feel secure knowing that your quality of life won't be diminished by your newfound relative poverty.

One last thing: anyone who calls you a miser is just jealous because they are poor from years of profligate spending. Screw them.

Wow, did I really just recommend to someone that they spend MORE money? Strange days indeed...

The Tight Fist

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Frugality getting you down? Email The Tight Fist: thetightfist@gmail.com

Tight Fist Tip #39: Never Take a Taxi

Look Mom, I'm Wasting Money Like A Real New Yorker!

There are few things in this world as that turn The Tight Fist's stomache more than taxi. In most Western cities, modern society has graciously given us public transport, which whisks people around the city cheaply and efficiently. Oh, and I almost forgot: we are also endowed with legs, which are a pretty good way to get around. (My apologies to any readers who don't have legs. You're off the hook here.)

But no, that's not good enough for those rich 'time is money' jackasses. They want their own private, chaeuffer-driven rentals cars to clog our roadways and mow over the proletariat on their weenie bicycles. The rest of us poor, weak souls are then tempted by the constant specter of convenient yet expensive transport.

But surely there are some times when a cab is justified, right? Well, I'm not so sure. Let's take a look at some common situations in which weak people break down and get taxis.

1. I'm drunk and I want to go home! Suck it up big boy, and take the night bus. Plus, if you're drunk late at night far away from home that probably means you already drank this week's paycheck. If you were following the Tight Fist's drinking advice, all your boozing would have taken place before you got the bar, so by leaving time you should be sobered up a bit. But no, you didn't listen to me did you? Way to go. Plus, according to the incredibly disturbing ad that I am forced to watch before every movie here in London, if you get into the wrong cab late at night you are likely to get violently raped.



2. What if I'm at the airport in some weird city, and I have 12 gigantic 17th-century style trunks full of luggage? First of all, if you have more luggage than you can carry you don't deserve to be traveling and I will waste no more time on you. Next, if you're in any developed country there is certain to be public transportation from the airport to the center of whatever city you're going to. And I don't want to hear your whining about jet-lag. Suck it up and get on the bus.

3. I have to go to a very important business meeting. And I'm wearing a suit. There is something about men in suits that makes them think that suddenly their time is the most valuable thing in the world. But we all know that, especially in London, most Suits spend about 20% of their waking hours in the pub, 30% texting to their buddies about how fit the new intern is, and an additional 20% dreaming about being in the pub. So I really think that 10-minute Tube ride isn't going to kill you.

4. What if I'm going to some place so super-secret that no other buses or cars go there and it's really far and it's in the middle of a hailstorm so I can't walk and I have 37 people to pack into the taxi so it won't really be that expensive and oh also this secret place is the most awesome place in the world but it will spontaneously self-destruct if I don't go there right now. Can I take a taxi? Ok you whiner.

Note that one important exception is if you live somewhere where it is not only 44 degrees (Celcius) but also costs under a dollar to get from one side of the town to another in an autorickshaw, doing so is totally justified. (Everyone reading in Ahmedabad can let out a collective sigh of relief.)

But for the rest of you, think twice. Next time I want to spend 10 bucks for 5 minutes of service, I'm going to make sure I get someone a lot better looking than my last cabbie.