Monday, 30 November 2009

Tight Fist Tip #32: Black Friday Is The Black Plague

Black Guy vs White Zombies
Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

I know this is a couple of days late, but since I know that 'Black Friday/Cyber Monday' madness is just going to continue on until Jesus' birthday party, I feel I need to address the issue. The problem is that with all the 'amazing' deals popping up this week, novice Tight Fisters may get confused. Don't Tight Fisters just love awesome deals?

If you said 'Yes', please punch yourself in the face. Sure, Tight Fisters love great deals, but remember, when a shiny piece of crap goes on sale, IT IS STILL JUST A SHINY PIECE OF CRAP! For those of you with amnesia, you may have forgotten the ultimate Tight Fist rule: DO NOT BUY CRAP THAT YOU DON'T NEED. And yes, this applies even if the crap that you don't need is soooooo incredibly discounted. In fact, this logic is already well documented in my previous post on sales and promotions. Someone make sure to tell me if they ever have some kind of 'Black Friday' deal down at Tesco. 50% off discounts on veggies, chicken, and pasta? I'll line up for that! But I think I'm gonna pass on robotic hamsters.

You'd think that would pretty much end the discussion. But the problem is that in this case, you always get the following response: "But I have to buy presents for Jesus for his birthday! So since these purchases are necessities I may as well line up for the good deals." Oh man, as a silly little Jew I must have missed something important up there in the New Testament. Can someone point me to the passage where they say that you have to satiate Jesus' legendary appetite for plastic action figures and flat screen TVs by sacrificing these things to him at the altar? And who was the scholar who claimed that the preferred method of sacrifice should be "give to your bratty ass spoiled kids" and by altar he meant for some reason "put a freaking tree in your living room".

So look, I know I'm out of my league by trying to interpret the bible and understand Christianity, so if any Christians out there want to enlighten me on why buying completely useless crap makes Jesus so happy, please go ahead. (And yes, I understand that Christians are not my main audience here, but I know there are a few in the crowd.)

Let me just ask any of you Christians your absolute favorite question: WWJD? I find it completely baffling how anyone could think that a man who railed against greed and spurned worldly pleasures could possibly endorse the materialistic consumption-driven holiday that Christmas has become. If you ask me, he would be pretty bummed out on his birthday.

And finally, I know there are all you secular Christians out there who are going to say things like 'Gift giving is not religious, but it's tradition and nice and makes people warm and fuzzy and blah blah blah so it's a good thing.' Well unfortunately there is not enough space in this post for a general refutation of gift-giving, but stay tuned as it is the subject of my next post.


  1. is that MS Paint blood on Baby Jeebus?

  2. Actually, celebrating and giving gifts at Midwinter is a tradition far older than Christianity. Used to be the gifts were an apple or a homemade piece of earthenware or something. It just got out of hand.
    Which reminds me: why not a post about cheap and really nice home-made gifts, based on the assumption that some gifts can't be avoided.


  4. Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.