Sunday, 12 September 2010

A Guide To Partying on The Cheap

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Note: This Post Appeared in the September 13, 2010 issue of
The London Student

Do you spend too much money? Fortunately, Jews such as myself possess tried and true penny-pinching strategies that have been handed down through the generations. I, The Tight Fist, have taken it upon myself to share my secrets of frugality.

For many of you out there, it's your first week of university- a great time to make new friends, choose your classes, and start expanding your mind. Wait, who am I kidding? We all know you're just going to spend your first few weeks wasting away your new-found freedom in one long drunken stupor.

But unless daddy's got deep pockets (and let's be honest, if daddy really had deep pockets he would have wrangled you a way into Oxbridge), this entry-to-university binge can be pretty damaging on the wallets. Isn't there some way to party yourself silly and still have money left over to buy underwear and instant noodles?

Now is the point where you think I'm going to endorse some of London's many "cheap" student nights at local clubs. Sure, if you going to go out you might as well do it at one of these places, since the prices are usually a bit better than the normal wallet-sucking prices you'd see in a Central London club. (I'd say the £1.50 pints at Sports Cafe on Tuesdays is about the best deal I've seen.) But even if going to some cheap pub, you must follow this golden rule: NEVER GO OUT SOBER. Because no matter what kind of student deal is on, it will always be crushed by your local friendly Tesco.

The trick is to buy some cheap supermarket booze and get as wasted as possible at home (or on the street if you don't mind looking like a hobo.) Then when you hit the bars, you're already toasted and can just nurse one pint all night long. But don't get too pissed, because passing out on the couch will never get you laid. Let's just hope that sneaky David Cameron does not get his way with implementing his ban on cut-rate supermarket alcohol. How about we all revolt if that happens, ok?

Has anyone ever told you not to drink on an empty stomach? THAT PERSON WAS A LYING IDIOT WHO WANTS YOU TO DIE POOR. In fact, you should ONLY drink on an empty stomach. The logic is very clear: you want to get a bit tipsy, eating food means it takes more alcohol to get there, so eating simply costs you money. So next time you are thinking of getting a bite to eat before hitting the pub, just realize that you are flushing money down the toilet. Plus since booze has plenty of calories, skipping dinner prevents you from getting even fatter.

But what about those tiny people who would get drunk off two sips on an empty stomach, shouldn't they eat? NO! These people are the luckiest people on earth, and should not waste their wonderful circumstance. Instead, they should get together in a group, buy one frilly cocktail and all get wasted for pennies! Lucky bastards!

And for the really hard-core Tight-Fisters out there? Try donating blood before a night on the town! Besides being a good public citizen, you will also get pissed for super-cheap!

So there you go, now you can all go get wasted and still have plenty of money for other slightly less important things like food and shelter. Stay tuned for next issue, where we'll talk about how to tackle the bane of any frugal student's existence: buying textbooks.

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  1. Not big, not funny and definitely not clever.

    Hope the standard of London Student improves and leaves you to mutter to the 8 friends who frequent your blog

  2. As A former Jewish student I thought this article was hilarious! Don't see what the big deal was about??

    And buying textbooks? Simple, just renew a copy from the library every week!! I learnt that one from the Asians on my course ;-)

  3. funny, and useful!

  4. Jewish comics have been making fun of stereotypes for years. When did all this sensitivity start? As for the allegedly powerful members of the council...its not a fifedom and its time they begun to understand that.

  5. you forgot minesweeping.